IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that governments should spend as much money as possible on developing or buying computer technology. Other people disagree and think that this money should be spent on more basic needs.

#people #governments #money #computer #technology
It goes without saying that everyone wants to make the earth a better place. Some
people
 think that the council should spend as much payment as possible to develop or purchase machine technology.
On the other hand
, some believe that
this
 currency should be spent on more basic needs. Despite all these, I think our legislature should spend our tax dollars on more fundamental items before it gets into the business of developing network
technique
Fix the agreement mistake
techniques
show examples
. Remembering the pyramid of needs, is it true that
people
 could be better if they met their primary needs? The council should spend wealth, which actually belongs to the nationality to meet their main needs, rather than the administration thinks it is better. Since everybody has different wants, buying or improving technology can't make everyone happy.
Nevertheless
, so very universally are the main needs,
such
Correct word choice
and such
show examples
 a person wants to meet these key needs.
This
 is the right of the tribe to the court to pay a payment because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these governments only manage it.
For instance
, many poverty
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 to live in the worst conditions of a country. Some have to stay in places where they don't live.
In addition
, a huge amount of children cannot go to school, or they have to travel very far to reach school.
Besides
, I think the government should donate some money to develop their lives. All things considered, it might safely be said that if the government invests
as
Change preposition
in as
show examples
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
show examples
 basic needs as possible,
people
 around the world can live an excellent life. Notwithstanding,
people
 can't have excellent computer technology, they will be happier after solving the big troubles in the world.
Submitted by wangwala955 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Ensure that your response addresses all parts of the essay prompt clearly and thoroughly. Additionally, provide specific and relevant examples to support your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow of your essay. Focus on linking ideas within and between sentences and paragraphs to enhance coherence and cohesion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: