Sport is becoming a business. More and more companies are getting involved in sporting events. Do you think that it is a positive or negative development ?

#sport #business #companies #events #development

It is true that corporations have the tendency to play a role in different aspects of competitive

sports

nowadays.

While

I understand that

this

bilateral relation may cause some negative impacts, I would argue that it is a step long sought by

sports

advocates to help sporting

events

take off. The unfavourable side of

this

movement can be attributed to two main factors, match-fixing and the use of illegal

substance

Fix the agreement mistake

substances

show examples

. Many companies which are funding sporting

events

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

are simultaneously sponsoring one or multiple teams of their own.

Hence

, many people are apprehensive about the idea that the result of a tournament could be predetermined by how much money big companies are pouring in to buy their teams’ victories.

Furthermore

, substantial monetary benefits may entice athletes into using performance-enhancing drugs in

sports

tournaments.

This

can have detrimental effects on sporting

events

, as it jeopardizes the health of its users

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

while

ruining sportsmanship and the outputs of all the matches that it is involved in. On the flip side, funding from

corporate

Replace the word

corporations

show examples

can facilitate

sports

development in many ways.

Firstly

, it helps sporting organizations have the money needed to organize holistically better

events

This

money can be used for many activities, namely the production and marketing of the campaign, to serve the purpose of meeting the public’s expectations by bringing out a fully operational and aesthetically pleasing tournament.

Secondly

, sportsmen, at least those who play popular ones, are able to secure themselves a stable or even lucrative income.

As a result

, devoted athletes can rid themselves of financial worries and be extra focused on their games to give more eye-pleasing performances for the followers of the sport. In conclusion,

while

the connection between sporting

events

and commercial companies can have several bad effects, I am convinced that the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks.

Wed Apr 08 2020

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content

In the second paragraph, you mention match-fixing and the use of illegal substance. But you only described the negative effects of them, but did not provide specific examples.

structure

The structure of the essay is logical, and your ideas are clear. However, some points could be more explicitly linked back to the essay question to make sure they are clearly relevant.

conclusion

In your conclusion, you mention several bad effects and benefits; however, it would have been better if you had summed up specifically what those points were, for the sake of clarity.

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7Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

301 words

6.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 6.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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In many countries, although people work hard throughout their lives, they still do not have enough money to live comfortably in their retirement. Identify some causes of this retirement issue and suggest possible solutions.

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