IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some countries spend a lot of money to make bicycle usage easier. Why is this? Is this the best solution to traffic congestion?

#countries #money #bicycle #usage #traffic #congestion
Over the years, the usage of bicycles has become more popular among the citizens. With its upcoming trend, the government has taken measures to implement new road rules and create paths designated for cycling.
This
 initiative has been very useful in helping with
traffic
 congestion
as well as
 creating a healthier
country
. As the economy progresses, many would start earning a good income and
this
 would allow them to purchase motor vehicles.With an increase of motor vehicles on the road, the first issue we face would be
traffic
 congestion. Roads are meant to take citizens from point A to B, but now many are utilising driving on roads,
For
example
Add the comma(s)
example,
show examples
 Uber. Most of the people working for Uber are usually driving around, even though empty in search
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 jobs.
This
 increases
traffic
 among the smaller lanes.
Moreover
, with everyone driving in cars the
country
 faces two major problems. With the introduction of more cars, the amount of carbon emissions
also
 increases.
This
 increases the amount of air pollution in the
country
. As countries need to create more paths for roads, trees are being cut down and the pollution level stays high,
In addition
, as many people sit and drive, with the lack of exercise,obesity is
again
Rephrase
apply
show examples
another issue in the
country
.
This
 would
then
 lead to serious health issues as medical attention needed to solve
this
 problem would soon be at
all time
Add a hyphen
all-time
show examples
 high. In conclusion, It is safe
to conclude
 that, countries that do spend money towards supporting bicycles are utilising their funds well bicycles do play an important role in both
traffic
 congestion
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and
medical
Correct article usage
the medical
show examples
 health of the
country
 and its people.
Submitted by Hareshpal Singh Sandhu on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay provides a partially complete response to the task. There are relevant points made, but they are not sufficiently supported with examples or clear explanations.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is weak. The introduction and conclusion are present but need improvement. Main points are not well supported with clear explanations or transitions between sentences and paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: