IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Do you agree or disagree that celebrities are paid far too much money?

#celebrities #money
Some
people
 think that famous
people
 are overpaid compared to other jobs nowadays. In my opinion, I totally disagree
this
Change preposition
with this
show examples
 statement and I will explain why it is worth paying much money to personalities in
this
 essay. There are some justifiable reasons why celebrities should be paid more money.
Firstly
,
although
 most of them might born with natural talent or skills;
however
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 only achieve a certain level. To become a
self - made
Correct your spelling
self-made
show examples
 celebrity, they need to foster it by
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
 and experiencing
through
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a long harsh period.
Moreover
, in the fiercely competitive environment,
for
example
Add the comma(s)
example,
show examples
 the music or movies industry, there are very few
people
 who can reach the top levels only by talent, it requires both capability and
attractive
Correct article usage
an attractive
show examples
 look with
purpose
Correct article usage
the purpose
show examples
 of meeting
people
’s expectations in
this
appearance - driven
Correct your spelling
appearance-driven
show examples
 society . Once
becoming
Wrong verb form
they become
show examples
 famous, they tend to be far away
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
 their family because
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 busy
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
work requires them to travel frequently,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is one of the factors
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 achieving fame.
Besides
,
well - known
Correct your spelling
well-known
show examples
people
 are often
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
under more pressure than others, they do not have privacy for the reason that paparazzi follow and photograph them anywhere at
anytime
Replace the word
any time
show examples
,
then
,
whatever
Correct word choice
and whatever
show examples
 they do is all public in the media. Commonly , the bad news always
catch
Change the verb form
catches
show examples
 more attention than the good one, so the truth sometimes might be distorted.
As a result
, those renowned
people
 probably face
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
criticism from public opinion,
this
 tidal wave can
depresses
Change the verb form
depress
show examples
 them and negatively affects
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their thoughts,
action
Correct word choice
and action
show examples
, especially now,
the
Correct word choice
that the
show examples
 number of celebrities committing suicide
due to
 depression is alarming . Some cases of suicide
such
 as a
kpop
Correct your spelling
K-pop
 singer - Sulli,
a
Correct word choice
and a
show examples
member of Linkin Park - Chester Bennington are obvious examples. In conclusion, to become famous and successful, celebrities have to sacrifice their free lives, other relationships, and lots of things
as
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the price of fame, which involve high risk and responsibility.
Therefore
, they deserve a high income for their effort, suffering and dedication.
Submitted by Bui Nhat Uyen on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, and provide a clear topic sentence for each paragraph.
task achievement
Clearly address all parts of the task and fully develop your ideas. Support your points with relevant examples and details.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: