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Band 4.5

Some people think that men are naturally more competitive than women. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #men #women
There is a school of thought
says
Correct pronoun usage
that says
show examples
 men aggressively compete;
women
 collaborate and nurture.
Although
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
female is taking over almost every sphere; many people still believe that male
is
Verb problem
are more
show examples
 ambitious than female. I disagree with
this
 viewpoint; and in my opinion, both are at par, and the upcoming paragraphs will explain the reasons with relevant examples.
Firstly
, it has been proven that they can perform any job as labour to the Nation's president. They lead the armed
force
Fix the agreement mistake
forces
show examples
 and multinational companies productively. In a patriarchal society, these roles were considered only suitable for men. Currently, the situation
is
Verb problem
has
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 changed, and the community accepted that these jobs could be performed by
women
 as well.
For example
, The US has come out
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the glass ceiling, and Mrs Kamala Harris has been selected as the first lady vice president in the country.
Moreover
, they can
accomplish
Verb problem
apply
show examples
multitask,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 is only the exceptional capacity of
women
.
Secondly
, at school, girls outperform boys. If they were not competitive, they would not be able to achieve
this
 victory. In competitive exams
also
 performed as
good
Change the word
well
show examples
 as their counterparts. In the past professional courses like mechanical engineering
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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 limited only
for
Change preposition
to
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 boys. But, now girls
proved
Correct your spelling
proven
show examples
 their ability in that area.
On the contrary
, even though they can perform equally well,
women
 are still the primary caregivers in the families and
required
Add a missing verb
are required
show examples
 to interrupt or sacrifice
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their careers for their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
. In conclusion, after analysing all aspects of the given situation, it is not hard to see that
women
 are just as capable and competent as men. If there are fewer female achievers,
that is
 because
women
 tend to sacrifice their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 for the sake of their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
.
Submitted by jainajk on

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task response
Ensure that the essay directly addresses the essay prompt and clearly presents a well-structured argument.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be more detailed and engaging. Work on establishing stronger connections between ideas within and between paragraphs.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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