IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #children #people #government #responsibility
Nowadays,
children
's obesity is an ongoing issue in different countries all over the world, and
this
 belief has been accepted by a vast majority of
people
 that governments should take action and face
this
 current predicament. In my opinion, governments play a crucial role
to tackle
Change preposition
in tackling
show examples
this
 problem. It is my view that governments should provide healthy programs for
children
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the media to increase awareness of parents and their
children
 
instead
 of supporting the advertisement for unhealthy and sugary products. It is an undeniable fact that when 
children
 and parents see only the fancy face of products and meals, they cannot realize how harmful and risky these are.
Thus
, they do not know about the devastating effects of the high amount of fat and sugar on their bodies.
For example
, it is a beneficial idea to make an educational program on TV to explain the calories and amount of fat and sugar which every nutrition contains.
In contrast
, some
people
 claim that families are responsible for
children
's overweight, and they have to change their high-fat diet and unhealthy lifestyle. They firmly insist that if parents removed sugary and fast food from their meals, they could control the overweight problem among youngsters.
However
, I do not find
this
 argument convincing, as if
people
 had the basic knowledge to understand and check the ingredients on food labels.
Therefore
, they could control the intake of foods that are high in fats, sugar, and salt, it could be a remedy, and it is not necessary to eliminate all their favourite foods.
Hence
, with an educational program, the government can control the overconsumption of unhealthy foods. In conclusion, I completely agree with
this
 argument that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should have plans to overcome
children
's obesity.
Because increasing
Correct word choice
Increasing
show examples
 the basic knowledge and awareness of
people
 about nutrition and healthy diet and the impact of every portion of them is the government's duty.
Submitted by nibbana333 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay addresses the prompt effectively and presents a clear and comprehensive response to the question. Ensure that each point is fully developed and supported with evidence and examples.
coherence and cohesion
The essay demonstrates a clear logical structure with a well-organized introduction and conclusion. Ensure that ideas are linked cohesively throughout the essay to enhance clarity and coherence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: