Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Although
many people adamantly argue against compulsory military service
, saying it would take time from
the youth to do what they want to do, I firmly believe the opposite. Putting the young, Change preposition
for
both
men and women, through the
military Correct article usage
apply
service
is not only harmless,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
a boon to both
themselves and our nations.
Firstly
, we need mandatory military service
to provide enough human resource
in the Fix the agreement mistake
resources
army
for public services. While
the first impression of most people about the function of the army
is Add an article
a defense
defense
against Change the spelling
defence
external
Add an article
the external
an external
invader
, Fix the agreement mistake
invaders
this
is only a portion of the responsibility of the army
. They are also
partially responsible to defend
the country against natural disasters Change preposition
for defending
such
as floods, storms or epidemics. When such
catastrophic events happen, the military need
a tremendous amount of Change the verb form
needs
resource
to support numerous tasks, Fix the agreement mistake
resources
both
during and after the incidents. Without mandatory military service
, the number of officers to help the citizen
, either moving them out of the affected area or rebuilding the house/infrastructure, will Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
dwindled
. Change the verb form
dwindle
Therefore
, to minimize any impacts due to
disasters, all of our youth should go through a specific period of mandatory military service
.
Secondly
, military service
enhances not only physical
health but Correct article usage
the physical
also
mental
fortitude of our children. The environment in the Correct article usage
the mental
army
is very strict: the timetable, meal plans and exercise regime for the whole day are meticulously planned and enforced for all men and women enlisted. In other word
, there would be no consumption of junk food, staying up late, or parties. A year or even several months following Change the wording
another word
other words
such
routine
would improve our Correct article usage
a routine
youth
health dramatically. Change noun form
youth's
Furthermore
, being though
a disciplined environment gives our people the resilience needed to flourish. Mental strength is an advantage not only on the battlefieldsCorrect your spelling
through
,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
in our everyday, extremely competitive world of work.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that policymakers around the world should seriously consider making their military service
compulsory. Going through this
process is an opportunity for our kids to enhance their body and mind, while
the countries has
enough Change the verb form
have
resource
to Fix the agreement mistake
resources
defense
against Replace the word
defend
both
internal and external threats.Submitted by hoagloc on
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Task Achievement
You've presented a well-structured argument with a clear introduction, development of ideas, and a concise conclusion. However, including more specific examples and evidence to support your points could enhance the essay's persuasiveness.
Coherence & Cohesion
You've maintained a good logical flow in your essay, which makes it easy to follow. To further improve, consider using a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing techniques to enhance the connections between your ideas.
Task Achievement
Your essay provides a clear position throughout, which directly addresses the prompt.
Coherence & Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effectively handled, setting out your position and summarizing the main points convincingly.
Task Achievement
Your essay demonstrates a strong ability to discuss advantages and implications, contributing to a thorough task achievement.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example