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Band 5.5

People living in the 21st century have a better quality of life than the previous centuries. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #st #century #quality #life #centuries
In
this
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
today’s technologically advanced world, a school of thought holds that it is the lives of humans living in the 21st century that
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 worth living
than
Correct quantifier usage
more than
show examples
 ones in earlier centuries. I firmly believe that
while
 the quality of
life
 has increased as time passes, there are several problems which affect
people’s
 living standards in
this
 modern world. On the one hand, it is undeniable that the living standard of people has risen. First of all, the healthcare system has developed considerably. Medical developments not only increase
people’s
life
 span but
also
 greatly contribute to their well-being.
For instance
, modern diagnosis methods have decreased the required time
as well as
 become more accurate and reliable during the treatment process.
Moreover
, the increase in
people’s
 living
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
show examples
 is
also
 expressed in education. In the past, it would be difficult for citizens to access
this
 human right
due to
 the lack of
education
Replace the word
educational
show examples
 institutions.
However
, education has become available for a wider range of people in
this
 modern world.
For example
, governments have promoted constructing schools in remote areas in order to meet the
people’s
 needs.
On the other hand
, there are several issues that today’s people have to tackle, which did not occur in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
previous centuries. One of those
being
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 massive pollution.
Although
 modernisation has brought about various benefits for humans, it has
also
 put a strain on the environment.
For instance
, erecting buildings and factories for industrialisation has discharged a colossal amount of
emission
Fix the agreement mistake
emissions
show examples
along with
 trees being cut down.
In addition
, employment concerns can
also
 affect
people’s
 quality of
life
. As the
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 market has been increasingly intense and competitive, the young may face unemployment and the employees have to overwork to avoid being dismissed.
This
 not only affects their well-being but
also
 their health. To recapitulate,
while
 the quality of
life
 has increased in some aspects in the 21st century, humans now have to deal with several problems that directly affect their living standards.
Submitted by weezel on

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task achievement
Clarifying and expanding upon your viewpoints in some areas could enhance comprehension and impact.
coherence cohesion
Incorporating a wider range of complex sentence structures could improve the overall cohesion and flow of your essay.
logical structure
You've effectively structured your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
complete response
Your essay addresses the question directly, maintaining a consistent argument throughout.
relevant specific examples
You've included relevant specifics and examples which support your main points effectively.
introduction conclusion present
The transition between paragraphs and ideas is smooth, which enhances the readability of your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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