Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicine and treatment instead of visiting their usual doctors. Do you think this is a positive or negative development.
It is considered by
some
that being sick is a normal process and do not take it seriously Capitalize word
Some
while
others take it seriously and go to the nearby doctor even for a small problem in health
. Health
is depended
Replace the word
dependent
one's
priority, but in my opinion, any kind of Change preposition
on one's
health
problems
should only be treated by doctors and I will discuss the reasons in the following paragraphs.
Fix the agreement mistake
problem
Firstly
, everyone's life
has it
own value, Change the pronoun
its
either
it is a rich person's Correct word choice
whether
life
or poor
person's Correct article usage
a poor
life
and health
plays a major role in life
. Those, who are trying to solve health
problems, have to handle with
care as they can't Correct pronoun usage
them with
do
mistakes, as one mistake can lead them to death. It is difficult to understand how people are taking alternative Verb problem
make
medicine
like traditional medicine
or taking treatments from those who have never learn
Wrong verb form
learned
medicine
. This
can only lead them
to a waste of time and money. Correct pronoun usage
apply
Moreover
, the disease will become more severe when they actually reach to
a doctor. Change preposition
apply
For instance
, there are many frauds in Myanmar, who told
themselves to be an expert in Wrong verb form
tell
medicine
, and most of the villagers trust and take treatments from them. We can still find this
kind of situation in many villages.
On the other hand
, the health
care system of the country
is also
effected
by Correct your spelling
affected
this
. If people use other methods for medication than visiting to
hospitals or doctors, Remove the preposition
apply
which
will result in Correct pronoun usage
it
severity
of Correct article usage
the severity
disease
. Add an article
the disease
Thus
, leading to increase
death rate of a Correct article usage
an increase
country
. To lower this
kind of problem, health
ministry department of a Correct article usage
the health
country
plays a crucial role. They should make laws and take strict action for those who are operating clinics without license
and doing more public awareness campaigns.
Fix the agreement mistake
licenses
To sum up
, people taking treatments outside other than visiting hospitals or doctors will only have negative impacts to
both individually and nationally by deteriorating Change preposition
apply
health
care system of the Correct article usage
the health
country
.Submitted by nmpppp4444 on
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Task Achievement
Try to support your points with more specific examples and evidence. This will make your argument stronger and more compelling.
Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, use a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly and clarify relationships between points.
Coherence & Cohesion
Keep working on developing clear and structured paragraphs. Begin each paragraph with a topic sentence that clearly states the main idea, followed by supporting details.
Task Achievement
Your essay has a clear position throughout, which is good for task response.
Coherence & Cohesion
You effectively presented an introduction and conclusion, helping to frame your argument clearly.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
