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Band 4

Even though doctors advise old people to get more exercise, many old people do not get enough. What are the reasons for this? What are some possible solutions for this?

#doctors #people #exercise
There
Correct pronoun usage
It
show examples
 is a common fact that
exercise
 can
provide
Verb problem
play
show examples
 a vital role in maintaining
people
's health, including the elderly generation.
Such
 activity is
also
 highly advised by medical health professionals. Yet, plenty of old
people
 still face several constraints to have good
exercise
. The following paragraphs will explain the root causes behind
this
 phenomenon.
First,
many empirical findings mention that sport activities are not a sort of public good which indicates that accessing
such
 activities require a amount of money.
As a consequence
,
such
 things are exclusive to the ones who can afford it. Yet, numerous of evidence, particularly in less-developed countries, revealed that
people
 in the age of beyond productive years have no sufficient budget for fitness things.
Also
, in worse conditions, they have no savings at all.
Hence
, the excluded groups will preferably enjoy free-cost
exercise
 which most of them are inappropriate.
Second,
plenty of
old
Fix the agreement mistake
older
show examples
 generations have
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
limited capacities
in accessing
Change preposition
to access
show examples
 information regarding the urgency of having adequate
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
. It leads to the lack of awareness of
such
people
 to allocate their time to fitness agenda.
Therefore
, most of them prefer to spend their time on other things
instead
 of enjoying
exercise
.
According to
 the aforementioned causes, the role of government
does
Verb problem
is
show examples
 critical to provide more inclusive access to exercises for all groups of human beings, including the elderly
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. The relatives of old
people
 can
also
 take some part in supporting their parents to do sporty activities. To summarize, exercises are completely essential to maintain human health, especially the old individuals. Recognizing
this
 urgency, addressing the aforementioned problems through the government and society participation does significant to serve a more sufficient
exercise
 for the older ones.
Submitted by wawildan5 on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but need to be more developed to provide a clearer sense of the overall essay. The supporting points are relevant but need further elaboration and clarity.
task achievement
The essay partially responds to the task by addressing the reasons for the lack of exercise among old people and suggesting possible solutions. However, the response lacks depth and detail, and some points are not fully developed. The examples provided could be more specific and well-explained to support the ideas more effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • motivation
  • physical limitations
  • lack of time
  • fear of injury
  • exercise facilities
  • misunderstanding
  • benefits of exercise
  • social support
  • poor health conditions
  • awareness
  • appropriate exercises
  • guidance
  • financial constraints
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