IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think that watching TV causes weight problems in children. Do you agree with this view? What solution you can suggest to tackle children’s weight problem?

#people #tv #weight #children #children’s
Technological advancement has changed our lives significantly. Several scions spend their leisure time watching TV and playing video games.
Therefore
, a substantial proportion of individuals argued that
this
 has led to negative health consequences among the offspring and they are getting fatter. I agree with the given statement and
this
 issue can be tackled in two ways - physical activity and a healthy diet. To commence with, adolescents are either not getting physical recreation or not eating good foodstuff. Videlicet, they are spending several hours watching entertainment programs and playing video games rather than doing outdoor activities. Toddlers can be addicted to high-cholesterol meals
such
 as burgers, pizzas and French fries because many international fast food brands are available in numerous territories which are providing junk snacks and they are making addictive cuisine.
For example
, a survey conducted by the
department
Capitalize word
Department
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 of
education
Capitalize word
Education
show examples
 in the USA revealed that more than three-fifths of youngsters
have
Verb problem
are
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 addicted to unhygienic foodstuffs and they tend to be obese.
Thus
, many youngsters
are tolerates
Wrong verb form
tolerate
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 obesity.
Furthermore
, parents want to restrict the offspring
to eat
Change preposition
from eating
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 convenience meat and watch television and they need to buy some outdoor activity equipment for juveniles.
For instance
, when the family members restrict them. Pupils forcefully need to select some outdoor games because the administration cannot outlaw unhygienic fare many people fully
depended
Wrong verb form
depend
show examples
 on these brands to earn money. Several nations are facing unemployment problems.
As a result
, parents
require
Wrong verb form
are required
show examples
 to control their infant.
To conclude
, undoubtedly, many companies are supplying fast food when parents restrict their teenagers
to eat
Change preposition
from eating
show examples
 fast food and
watch
Wrong verb form
watching
show examples
 small screens. They can effortlessly tackle
this
 problem.
Submitted by lovishhhh on

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Task Response
Improve the logical structure of your essay by organizing your ideas in a more coherent manner. Ensure that your introduction and conclusion effectively address the given prompt. Provide a more complete and clear response that includes relevant and specific examples to support your ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on improving the coherence and cohesion of your essay. Ensure that your ideas are logically connected and that there is a clear flow throughout the essay. Use appropriate linking words and transition phrases to improve the overall coherence of your writing.
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