IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In the past, young people depended too much on their parents to make decisions for them; today young people are better able to make decisions about their own lives. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

#people #parents #decisions #lives #support
The ability to make decisions can be considered as one of the vital signs of maturity. Because it proves that the individual's personality is developed enough to choose the right path in
life
, even though some
people
 believe that today, young
people
 are better decision-makers,
due to
 lifestyle changes, I am afraid I have to disagree with
this
 belief for two critical reasons.
Firstly
, in the past,
people
 used to get married at very young ages. The youth was both mentally and physically prepared for early marriage. By marriage, there is no chance of staying dependent on family.
For example
, my grandmother was born in one of the countries of Tabriz. She has told many stories about young
girls
'
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 getting married at age 16. She
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
explained that the
girls
 were used to
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
 housekeepers at very young ages and
then
 gave birth before they were 18 years old.
This
 rapid development of
life
 for those young
girls
 made the
girls
 autonomous. My grandmother got married when she was 16, and she was pregnant by 19. She says that she had no choice but to only
becoming
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 dependent.
This
also
 happened for boys. The young boys quickly learned the way of being a husband and father for their family.
Secondly
, the families were extended. In every family,
they
Correct pronoun usage
there
show examples
 were at least four
children
. So parents could barely pay attention to all the
children
.
In other words
, they were less concerned with their
children
's raising. They believed that older
children
 could exemplify for their younger siblings. As an example, I am an only child. My parents entirely focused on me to teach me everything they could. They always were so worried about the environment I studied, worked, or even had fun.
Although
 These concerns were beneficial for me and were considered a kind of protection, they reduced my ability to choose and decide in different situations
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 my own
life
. In sum, today young
people
 rely on their parents more than past. Because usually the
children
 are raised in nuclear families and
also
 marriage age is increased to 30s.
This
 means that young
people
 remain under their parent's supervision for an extended period.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, strengthen your thesis statement to make your position clearer and more direct.
coherence cohesion
Use more varied transition words and phrases to improve the flow of your essay. This will help make your ideas connect more smoothly.
task achievement
Although your examples are relevant, they could benefit from deeper analysis. Explain more explicitly how each example supports your main points.
coherence cohesion
The introduction succinctly introduces the topic and provides a clear stance that guides the essay.
task achievement
You've included relevant and specific examples from personal experiences, which help to illustrate your points effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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