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Writing Samples
Band 6

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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Nowadays, in some cultures, parents tell their children to
work
Use synonyms
 hard in every condition if their
kids
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 really want to attain what they want.
This
Linking Words
 situation has numerous positive influences on
kids
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, like high
motivation
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 levels,
as well as
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 drawbacks,
such
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 as the
loser
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 mindset. On the one hand, a great effect of moving children to
work
Use synonyms
 hard for their dreams is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
motivation
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. Thanks to its ability to convince
kids
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 about being successful and to make them act, the most necessary thing for children is the
motivation
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 they have.
For example
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, a child who is interested in playing football wants to be a professional football player, but he has to go to training and improve his skills rather than playing in the streets. Even if training regularly is neither easy nor amusing, the
motivation
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 he has persuades him to continue his training program.
Hence
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,
motivation
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which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is created by the faith that hard
work
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 results in success.
On the other hand
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, the idea that not giving up can obtain everything has some important disadvantages, like thinking he/she is a
loser
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. Mostly,
kids
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 aim for the unachievable one and sacrifice all of the time and energy he/she has
for reaching
Change preposition
to reach
show examples
 it. Unfortunately, even though they spend enormous energy to be successful,
kids
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’ belief that hard
work
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 pays off unsurprisingly disappears when they can not reach their goals.
Therefore
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, the confidence level of a child who thinks he/she is unsuccessful decreases significantly and it creates a destructive influence on the future life of the kid.
Thus
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, the individual who did not achieve his/her childhood dreams despite working hard tends to avoid the possible opportunities
due to
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 the sense of being a
loser
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 again.
To sum up
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, despite the fact that the idea that a person who tries enough always attains what he/she wants positively affects
kids
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 to create
motivation
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, it might create unconfident people who think himself/herself as a
loser
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. Parents should be careful and approach their
kids
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 in the most beneficial way.

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Coherence & Cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Sometimes ideas can seem disjointed, which affects the overall readability. Use more transition words and phrases to create smooth transitions.
Task Achievement
Enhance the depth and development of your main points. While the points are relevant, they lack depth in explanation and supporting arguments. Consider providing more detailed examples and elaborations.
Task Achievement
Focus on a balance in discussing the advantages and disadvantages. It appears that more attention and space are given to the disadvantages in the essay, creating an imbalance.
Introduction & Conclusion
The introduction provides a clear outline of what the essay will discuss. The reader is immediately aware of the essay's focus, which is commendable.
Logical Structure
There is a logical progression of ideas overall, and key points are generally well-explained, making it easier for the reader to follow your arguments.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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