IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Topic: Some people think that the most important thing about being rich is it gives a person the opportunity to help other people. Do you agree or disagree?

#topic #people #person #opportunity
In recent times, there is a growing belief that wealthy
individuals
 have a unique opportunity to address societal challenges, particularly in the realm of unemployment. From my perspective, I wholeheartedly agree that affluent
individuals
 play a crucial role in providing opportunities for others.
To begin
 with, multinational corporations, which are often owned by wealthy
individuals
, serve as major sources of employment for
individuals
 in need. Take,
for example
, Jack Ma, the second richest person globally. Through his company, he has created numerous job opportunities for fresh graduates, allowing them to unleash their potential and earn a sustainable income to support themselves and their families.
As a result
, financial independence empowers
individuals
 to elevate their living standards and actively participate in societal development initiatives.
Moreover
, it is not solely through job creation that wealthy
individuals
 contribute to society; they
also
 engage in philanthropic
endeavors
Change the spelling
endeavours
show examples
 that benefit underprivileged
individuals
. By supporting initiatives
such
 as providing scholarships for
education
 and constructing schools in rural areas, affluent
individuals
 enable impoverished children to access quality
education
.
This
, in turn, has a profound impact on society and the nation as a whole, as educated
individuals
 possess the capacity to address societal issues and contribute to national development, including economic growth and the advancement of
education
 for future generations. In conclusion, the significant contributions made by wealthy
individuals
,
such
 as facilitating career advancement and promoting
education
, highlight the pivotal role they play in unlocking a myriad of opportunities for others. I firmly advocate for the belief that affluent
individuals
 have the potential to positively impact society through their actions.
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task response
Ensure that your introduction clearly states the main thesis without ambiguity. A slightly more focused statement would enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
To further elevate your essay to the highest band, consider using varied sentence structures and a wider range of vocabulary.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with a logical flow of ideas, making it easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion effectively frame the argument, providing a clear context and summarizing the main points.
task achievement
The use of relevant and specific examples, such as Jack Ma, strengthens the argument and provides concrete support for your points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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