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Writing Samples
Band 6

Not many young people in countries around the world go to and enjoy concerts and plays. Why is this the case? Should they be encouraged to attend?

#people #countries #world #concerts #case
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Nowadays many
people
Use synonyms
 especially youngsters prefer to have entertainment at home, rather than going out to see concerts and plays. It is a consequence of having increased isolation due to the newer media and
costliness
Correct article usage
the costliness
show examples
 of
performances
Use synonyms
. Young
people
Use synonyms
 would be more attracted to attend these events, if those would be better funded, specifically by
government
Correct article usage
the government
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.
Prior
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The prior
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 reason why concerts and plays have lost their popularity is
excessive
Correct article usage
the excessive
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 amount of new
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
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 offered. In the past,
people
Use synonyms
 lack
of
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
entertainment available at home, they could read a book, watch TV, listen to music and video.
Thus
Linking Words
, they preferred going out to see
performances
Use synonyms
 and
also
Linking Words
 share their experience with others. Today, one can either isolate themselves virtually from
real
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the real
show examples
 world with
technology
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the technology
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 of VR and enjoy their time by using social media, streaming websites like Youtube or Netflix and generally
surf
Wrong verb form
surfing
show examples
in
Change the preposition
on
show examples
 the internet. Even if they want to share their experience with someone else, it can be easily done even long distance, due to new technologies.
Hence
Linking Words
, spending money on an expensive experience no longer holds the same appeal.
This
Linking Words
 situation can be curbed by government sponsorship of performing arts. It could start at the basic level
such
Linking Words
 as funding of the education for artists. The simplest example would be
government’s
Correct article usage
the government’s
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 ensuring that schools have adequate space and finances in the curriculum for art classes
such
Linking Words
 as acting and music.
Furthermore
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,
government
Add an article
the government
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 could sponsor community outreach programs for all ages, in the hopes of encouraging more interest in the performing arts. Coupling these two solutions with subsidizing tickets for
performances
Use synonyms
 would have a great impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the overall situation.
This
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 was the case for many developing Asian countries, where
this
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 approach succeeded and helped to increase
popularity
Add an article
the popularity
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 of classical music and concert halls during the
last
Linking Words
 decade. In a nutshell, adolescents prefer to be entertained at home
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their devices rather than spend a lot of money
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
performances
Use synonyms
. Governments help in funding performing arts can encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to be more active participants.
Submitted by urunova7777 on

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