IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think that many renowned personalities are popular because of their riches and extravagant lifestyle, rather than their achievements, and this influences the youth in a negative way.

#people #personalities #riches #lifestyle #achievements #influences #youth
Some
people
 think that many renowned personalities are popular because of their riches and extravagant lifestyle, rather than their achievements, and
this
 influences the youth in a negative way. I agree with
this
 view to a certain extent. Celebrities' expensive lifestyles and physical looks are more appealing to young
people
. They wish to be different from the rest of their classmates since they are in adolescence. They begin to imitate their heroes' behaviours. Consider a celebrity smoking on the big screen of a blockbuster film. Many young
people
 see the film and believe that smoking is a method to seem superior to your peers.
However
, smoking is a habit-forming behaviour
that is
 very hazardous to their health. Focusing only on money and a lavish lifestyle provides a poor example for the kids and lowers their aspirations. The youth are encouraged to be like these well-known persons and pay little attention to how to achieve it. They overlook the hardships that must be overcome in order to achieve
this
 position. They will not realise that the prizes must be achieved in
this
 manner. Naturally, many of these young
people
 do not succeed in obtaining these riches for themselves, which causes them to feel frustrated and depressed. In conclusion, I would like to say that the facade of beauty and exuberant lifestyles of famous
people
 has a negative impact on the minds of kids unless they have been taught that there is no shortcut to success.
Submitted by Shwe Yamin on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: