IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

At the present, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#population #countries #adults #people #situation
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, the youth society has dominated over older citizens in the matter of numbers in some communities. In my view,
this
Linking Words
 dominance could bring both advantages and disadvantages for countries. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I am going to assess both views. On the one hand, there are at least two disadvantages
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Linking Words
 statement.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, older men are more skilled and more experienced in comparison with youngsters, and the lack of sophisticated people could end countries’
industry
Fix the agreement mistake
industries
show examples
 in using
labors
Replace the word
labourers
show examples
 from overseas.
For instance
Linking Words
, despite the fact that it would be detrimental for
economy
Add an article
the economy
an economy
show examples
 to hire foreign individuals, the is no choice for a factory
which
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 faces a shortage
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 skilled employees.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, these young people need principal requirements,
such
Linking Words
 as education, job and hobby, and governments are obliged to provide these basics for
this
Linking Words
 population
although
Linking Words
 it causes
a great deal of
Change the quantifier
a lot of
many
plenty of
show examples
 expenditures.
However
Linking Words
, a
country
Use synonyms
 with higher young citizens compared to an old
country
Use synonyms
, can make a plan to invest in talented individuals and becomes a developed
country
Use synonyms
 in the future.
For example
Linking Words
, one of these countries can establish an institute to teach clever children, and help them with their inventions. After all, countries with
old
Correct article usage
an old
show examples
/aged
population
Fix the agreement mistake
populations
show examples
must pour money into both health and welfare
state
Fix the agreement mistake
states
show examples
 due to the fact that elders need more care and medicine than
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
youngest
Correct article usage
the youngest
show examples
 people. An illustration is that the cost of constructing a hospital is probably at least twice as compared to that of a university. In conclusion, I personally believe that the advantages of having
young
Correct article usage
a young
show examples
 society
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 more beneficial for a developed
country
Use synonyms
 thanks to a better education system for planning for the future, and
also
Linking Words
 I assume that it really depends on the
country
Use synonyms
 itself.
Submitted by keivan on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: