IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the numbers of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #numbers #people #situation
Nowadays population growth in some countries goes towards the young generation.
This
 change comes across with benefits including, promotion of economic situation and some drawbacks
such
 as losing the experience of older
people
.
To begin
 with, young
people
 play crucial roles in every
society
Change noun form
society's
show examples
 promotion in various aspects including economic and
health
 situations. In terms of
economic
Replace the word
economics
show examples
, young generations have better performance
as
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the workforce and their productivity
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 superiority rather the aged persons.
On the other hand
, young adults are more creative when face with problems and find practical solutions for them
thus
, many companies rather work with young
people
. All these reasons can help any
society
 to economic growth. Considering
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
health
 circumstances,
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 can have numerous
health
 issues that affect their activities. All these diseases have
financial
Add an article
a financial
show examples
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 on governments including
health
 insurance, producing or importing expensive drugs for specific diseases and
high cost
Add a hyphen
high-cost
show examples
 hospital equipment.
In other words
, old generations are not
Add a hyphen
cost-effective
show examples
cost effective
Add a hyphen
cost-effective
show examples
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
, neither for
health
 care system nor for economic conditions. Despite the above arguments, older
people
 living in the country have their own significance. One supportive statement states that older
people
 have more experience because of their past works.
Society
Add an article
A society
show examples
 with
large
Change the article
a large
the large
show examples
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
younger
Add an article
the younger
show examples
 population, maybe lose older ones’
experiences
. In my opinion, their knowledge
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 solutions might be
Correct your spelling
outdated
show examples
outdate
Correct your spelling
outdated
show examples
. As long as we are living in
Add an article
the technologic
show examples
technologic
Replace the word
technological
show examples
 era it is inevitable a significant part of our life
related
Add a missing verb
is related
show examples
 to technology those old populations
have
Add a missing verb
do have
show examples
 not enough
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
show examples
 in
this
 field. On the other side,
Add an article
a country
the country
show examples
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
 with high young adult populations could have challenges in job sectors. Providing enough positions for all citizens maybe come across with a lot of stress and
competitions
Fix the agreement mistake
competition
show examples
. I truly believe that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
this
 competition could improve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
’s abilities and improve the condition of
society
. In conclusion,
although
 it is true that
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 have a lot of
experiences
, their increment
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 comes with problems. In terms of
health
 system elderly
statment
Correct your spelling
statement
 could be costly and their life
experiences
 in our
midern
Correct your spelling
modern
 life could be unpractical.
Submitted by mahboubi.negin on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: