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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the number of shops that closed and the number of new shops that opened in one country between 2011 and 2018.

The graph below shows the number of shops that closed and the number of new shops that opened in one country between 2011 and 2018.
#shops #country
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The bar chart below compares the
number
Use synonyms
 of closed
shops
Use synonyms
 with the
number
Use synonyms
 of
new
Change the adjective
newly
show examples
 opened
ones
Use synonyms
 in a particular country over a
7 year
Add a hyphen
7-year
show examples
period
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
. We can see that at the beginning of the study
period
Use synonyms
 the region had
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 dynamic economy because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
more
shops
Use synonyms
 were opening rather than closing,
however
Linking Words
at the end
Linking Words
 of the study
Use synonyms
period
Add a comma
period,
show examples
 the region seems to
encounter
Wrong verb form
have encountered
show examples
 a recession
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that the
number
Use synonyms
 of closed
shops
Use synonyms
 overtook the opened
ones
Use synonyms
. In 2011, about 8500 businesses commenced and 6500 shoppers finished their activities.
However
Linking Words
, after just one year the
number
Use synonyms
 of opened
shops
Use synonyms
 reached
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
less than half about 4000
shops
Use synonyms
 in 2012.
Then
Linking Words
, the opened and closed
shops
Use synonyms
 experienced some fluctuations by 2014. From 2014 to 2015 a beneficial
economical
Correct word choice
economic
show examples
 phenomenon happened and the
number
Use synonyms
 of closed
shops
Use synonyms
 fell sharply, to just 500
shops
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of opening
shops
Use synonyms
 saw a moderate reduction and was about 4000 by 2017.
After
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 year, the
closed
Correct quantifier usage
number of closed
show examples
shops
Use synonyms
 increased again and remained stable at approximately 5000
ones
Use synonyms
 to the end of the study
period
Use synonyms
, but the
opening
Correct quantifier usage
number of opening
show examples
shops
Use synonyms
 dropped
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
least about 3000
Use synonyms
ones
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
in 2018.
Submitted by golriiz23 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words number, shops, ones, period with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 6 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 4 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • trend
  • fluctuation
  • peak
  • decline
  • surge
  • stabilize
  • correlation
  • economic conditions
  • consumer behavior
  • technological advancements
  • urban development
  • employment
  • retail sector
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