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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that nations and individuals should focus on their own problems because it is impossible to help everyone in the world since there are so many needs. To what extents do you agree or disagree.

#people #nations #individuals #focus #world #extents
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In recent years, there have been numerous
people
 who argued that they must focus on themselves than help other lives. As
such
 there are agreements and disagreements to
this
 trend,
although
 I opine that its disagreements outweigh the agreement. In my opinion, I completely disagree because as human beings,
people
 must help each other. In
this
 essay, I will examine all the relevant arguments based on factual experiences. There are several opinions to
this
 trend. The most prominent one is that if
people
 help each other, all the weight of problems will be decreased.
Moreover
, as human beings, we must always help each other even though it looks impossible. There are numerous problems in
this
world
;
however
, if
people
 lend their hand to each other, they already contribute kindness to
this
world
.
In addition
, if we were supporting the other
people
 that needed, the other
people
 would
also
 give their hand when we have a problem.
Therefore
, helping other
people
 can help to reduce problems in
this
world
.
In addition
, helping other
people
 does not mean that we cannot focus on ourselves.
However
, sometimes if we were helped the other
people
, we would gain knowledge that might be helpful to our problem in the future.
For example
, helping others to sell their products helps us to know about business and might be helpful if we want to open a business in the future.
Furthermore
, being kind to others can build empathy. In conclusion, being kind and helping other
people
 does not mean that we lose focus on ourselves.
However
, by helping each other we can be more open-minded and knowledgeable about
world
 conditions.
Submitted by gladysdharmawan1994 on

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that the prompt is fully addressed with clear and direct responses. Both sides of the argument need to be represented when the question asks to what extent you agree or disagree.
task achievement
Develop your ideas more comprehensively and include clear, relevant examples to support each main point. Avoid general statements and strive for specificity to strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay's structure benefits from a clear introduction and conclusion. This indicates a good understanding of coherence and cohesion but aim for smoother transitions and better connections between ideas throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph should have one clear main idea, supported by specific examples and explanations. Ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one to maintain clear and consistent argumentation.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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