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Band 7

Education of young people is highly prioritized in many countries. However, educating adults who cannot write or read is even more important and governments should spend more money on this. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#education #people #countries #adults #governments #money
There are many nations that put the young generation’s
education
 a priority, but there are some individuals who think teaching illiterate adults how to understand a word or even write the words should be more important. I partially agree with the statement, and I will elaborate on my view in the following paragraphs. On the one hand,
youth
 are the future of a
country
. The progress of a nation depends on the
education
 of the young generation.
In other words
, young people play an important role in the
country
's development. Liang-ChiChoa a leader of a reform movement once said that a strong
youth
 makes a
country
 strong.
For instance
, a demonstration called the Tiananmen Square movement was held by students fighting for democracy.
As a result
, we can see how vital the young
education
 is.
On the other hand
, reducing the number of illiteracy shouldn’t be overlooked, because the illiteracy
rate
 will influence the employment
rate
. If many people in a
country
 don’t have a job, the authorities need to provide a lot of
unemployment
 benefits, which will cause a
country
’s financial burden .
Moreover
, the
unemployment
rate
 and the crime
rate
 are positively correlated. A thesis shows every 1 % increase in
unemployment
, the number of prisoners rises by 4%.Two years ago, there was news about a father who had to rob a family to feed his own family,
hence
 the relationship between the
unemployment
rate
 and the crime
rate
 should be considered. In conclusion,
while
 the effort invested in promoting the illiterate
rate
 seems more immediate,
education
 for the
youth
 brings hope to society.
Therefore
, striking a balance between the
education
 for adults and
youth
.
Submitted by vivian901014 on

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coherence cohesion
You have organized your essay into clear paragraphs, which aids in the overall structure. However, you can improve the logical flow by ensuring that your arguments lead smoothly from one to the next with better use of cohesive devices.
coherence cohesion
You have included both an introduction and conclusion, which is commendable. Nonetheless, they should be bolstered with clearer thesis statements and summaries of your key points for greater impact and clarity.
coherence cohesion
Your arguments are relevant to the topic but could benefit from being further developed with more diversified and detailed support. Examples and evidence are essential in strengthening the points you wish to convey.
task achievement
You have addressed the task and provided a partial agreement stance, which is appropriate. However, be sure to fully answer all parts of the question. Expanding on your ideas and using a wider range of vocabulary would serve you well in representing clear and comprehensive ideas.
task achievement
The examples provided are relevant, but they should be more specific and tied closely to your arguments to undeniably illustrate the points you're making. Examples can be drawn from a variety of sources and should be used effectively to back up your claims.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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