IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think technology development decreases crime, while others believe it actually encourages crimes. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #technology #development #decreases #crime #crimes
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It is thought that people believe crimes will be overpowered when having a trendy
technology
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,
whereas
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 many claims are mentioning that not only is the crime rate still increasing significantly but the criminal behaviours are
also
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 far more sophisticated. I, myself, favour the latter idea, whose rationales will be discussed before showing in
this
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 essay, in comparison to those of the former one.
To begin
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 with, when
technology
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 develops,
criminals
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 will be prevented from doing behaviour offences with a higher level of efficacy.
For instance
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, developed countries have integrated transportation systems with camera systems so that those who engage in criminal will be caught red-handed by means of facecam recorders. Plus, it has become impossible for them to get away
as a result
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 of the use of license-plate-detective systems. After that, the
information
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 shall be transferred to the police, who are easily recognizable as perpetrators. All establish a chain of evidence for successful prosecution in a court of law. Another point to make is that some countries are using biometrics
technology
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. When people do bad behaviour fingerprints will always appear.
For example
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, as
criminals
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 commit to brief a bank, their fingerprints still remain and will be tracked down by biometrics
technology
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. What’s more, a national database functions as a system that keeps
information
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 citizens as archives, including dishonest and illegal behaviours.
Consequently
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, as for aspects of
technology
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 development,
criminals
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 have a tendency to beware and be timid, when they are dropped behaviour crime.
On the other hand
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, some hole-in-techs appear to accommodate frauds, meaning that there are flaws on which wrongdoings are based. To paraphrase, disqualified people may rely on identical high-tech advancements to achieve their divergent ends. The advances in
technology
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 paved the way for an emerging kind of crime, one of which is cyber-crimes. In fact, they are quite sophisticated and can hack into one’s account bank, and personal
information
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 online, internet, or steal OTP codes in the process of sending and receiving
money
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 and payment bills in lieu of actual user.
According to
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 statistics, cyber-crimes usually use form credit card fraud to steal the electrical
money
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 of citizens by encrypting
information
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 in Visa or Master Card, leading to the risk of paying in trade and affecting society.
Besides
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, they forged identification by AI
technology
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 who are duplicated pictures and sounds of loved ones through third parties that borrow
money
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 or make a situation requiring a loan a huge sum.
Criminals
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 always appear when they lack
money
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. They are extremely dangerous and not limited in their capability of passing across “ firewalls”. For the reasons mentioned above, I realized that
technology
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 develops leading to pushing
criminals
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.
Therefore
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, we should be careful in the process of trading
money
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.
Submitted by jakelong16091994 on

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introduction conclusion present
The essay overall lacks clarity and precision in the introduction and conclusion. Work on crafting a concise introduction with clear thesis statement and a cohesive conclusion that summarizes the main points and restates your opinion in a clear manner.
logical structure
There are logical flaws in the structure and development of ideas. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, and the following sentences support that topic adequately before concluding the paragraph. Use a range of linking devices and cohesive phrases to ensure a natural flow of ideas.
supported main points
While you provided a number of examples, the support for main points needs more coherence. Elaborate on how the examples directly relate to the arguments made, and make sure to explain the reasoning behind the connection.
complete response
Task achievement could be improved by ensuring the response directly addresses the prompt, with clear ideas and viewpoints. Expand upon your own opinion, ensure that it is clear and well supported with arguments and evidence, and effectively discusses both views presented in the essay topic.
clear comprehensive ideas
You should aim to present ideas clearly and comprehensively, ensuring that the points you make are not only relevant but also thoroughly explored. Employ clear language, proper sentence structures, and define the connection of ideas to the argument being made.
relevant specific examples
Your use of examples is good, but relevance could be improved by choosing specific examples that are directly linked to the argument being presented. Be selective and ensure that each example has a clear link to your discussion points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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