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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some argue that music mainly serves as a way for individuals to reduce their stress and anxiety. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#argue #music #individuals #stress #anxiety
In the technological society,
people
 can readily interact with
music
 and find their taste in songs. There is an argument that
music
 plays a pivotal role in reducing stress and anxiety in humans. From my perspective, I strongly agree with
this
 idea.
Firstly
, listening to
music
 is a beneficial way to deal with
people
’s
emotions
. When individuals feel down or blue, energetic
music
 helps them distract from those
emotions
.
Moreover
, they can access various melodies, including foreign songs. That means
people
 can select the songs based on their
emotions
 and make it easy to handle their mental situation.
In addition
 to
this
, enjoyable melody even can relieve mental disorders.
According to
 research conducted in the United States, there was a parrot suffering from depression. A researcher made it listen to
music
 and dance every day resulting in it fully recovering from emotional disorder.
Thus
,
music
 has a special power to control
people
’s mindsets in many ways.
Secondly
,
music
 enables
people
 to connect with each other even though we have different backgrounds, resulting in bringing happiness and reducing anxiety.
For instance
, in a
music
 event or concert,
people
 can forget the struggles that they face and share the same taste of
music
 with each other. In
another word
Fix the agreement mistake
other words
show examples
,
music
 will bring us the feeling of happiness. In conclusion,
music
 can play a crucial role in controlling
people
’s
emotions
 and even bring them feelings of happiness. Taking account into the mentioned advantages, I strongly believe that
music
 serves as a way of lowering the level of stress and anxiety.
Submitted by shigaaoi.0506 on

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task achievement
The essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear opinion. However, it would benefit from a more thorough exploration of how music affects stress and anxiety, as well as a discussion of possible counterarguments to enrich the response.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a good logical structure, with an introduction and conclusion that are present and function well. Still, it could be improved by better paragraphing and the use of more sophisticated cohesive devices to clearly demonstrate the relationships between ideas.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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