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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some argue that music mainly serves as a way for individuals to reduce their stress and anxiety. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In the technological society,
people
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 can readily interact with
music
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 and find their taste in songs. There is an argument that
music
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 plays a pivotal role in reducing stress and anxiety in humans. From my perspective, I strongly agree with
this
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 idea.
Firstly
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, listening to
music
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 is a beneficial way to deal with
people
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’s
emotions
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. When individuals feel down or blue, energetic
music
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 helps them distract from those
emotions
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.
Moreover
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, they can access various melodies, including foreign songs. That means
people
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 can select the songs based on their
emotions
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 and make it easy to handle their mental situation.
In addition
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 to
this
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, enjoyable melody even can relieve mental disorders.
According to
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 research conducted in the United States, there was a parrot suffering from depression. A researcher made it listen to
music
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 and dance every day resulting in it fully recovering from emotional disorder.
Thus
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,
music
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 has a special power to control
people
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’s mindsets in many ways.
Secondly
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,
music
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 enables
people
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 to connect with each other even though we have different backgrounds, resulting in bringing happiness and reducing anxiety.
For instance
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, in a
music
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 event or concert,
people
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 can forget the struggles that they face and share the same taste of
music
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 with each other. In
another word
Fix the agreement mistake
other words
show examples
,
music
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 will bring us the feeling of happiness. In conclusion,
music
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 can play a crucial role in controlling
people
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’s
emotions
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 and even bring them feelings of happiness. Taking account into the mentioned advantages, I strongly believe that
music
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 serves as a way of lowering the level of stress and anxiety.

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task achievement
The essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear opinion. However, it would benefit from a more thorough exploration of how music affects stress and anxiety, as well as a discussion of possible counterarguments to enrich the response.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a good logical structure, with an introduction and conclusion that are present and function well. Still, it could be improved by better paragraphing and the use of more sophisticated cohesive devices to clearly demonstrate the relationships between ideas.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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