IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many doctors say that people in today's would do not do enough physical exercises. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions are there to this problems?

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In
this
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 digital era, numerous doctors are concerned about the life expectancy of individuals because of a lack of physical activities.
Therefore
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, I will debate about what are the causes and how people can tackle
this
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 negative situation in
this
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 essay.
To begin
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 with, there are a lot of reasons that spending leisure time in humankind has changed and are less in taking cardio exercises rather than in the past.
In addition
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, many human beings do have not enough time to do physical movements
due to
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 the fact that work-life balance, technological advancements, high living standards and contemporary transport may be the causes for these fitness issues.
For instance
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, obesity, diabetes and cardiovascular diseases are emerging worldwide areas
due to
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 consuming fast food and less physical exercise.
Moreover
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, in many generations, playing games or screen time and using up-to-date electronic gadgets are more and more popular,
instead
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 of joining sports clubs or GYM, biking and walking in society.
On the other hand
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, from the government's viewpoint, it should be restricted working overtime and encouraged by doing campaigns,
such
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 as running , swimming and marathon events, for communities in countries.
Additionally
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, in schools, enlightening health education and teaching how to diet may impact
of
Change preposition
apply
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following healthy lifestyles,
as well as
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 individual fitness.
Consequently
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, it can heal from unnecessary depression or stress
according to
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 medical research. In conclusion, nowadays, despite everyone facing these challenges, which are serious health issues , workload from the company and dietary requirements, others are still thriving in what they want on
this
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 planet.
Nonetheless
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, in my perspective, everybody's good health should be the first priority for their long-lasting life.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure there is a clear progression of ideas throughout the essay. Transition words and phrases help create better coherence. Some parts of your essay transition abruptly, so such linking words will help smooth the flow of your writing.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present but could be stronger by more directly addressing the causes and solutions of the lack of physical exercise as outlined in the task. Aim for a more impactful thesis statement and a more conclusive summarization of your main points to wrap up your essay.
coherence cohesion
Each main point should be fully developed with adequate support. While you provided some examples, there is room for more detailed support and development of the ideas presented, thus strengthening the overall argument of the essay.
task achievement
You have completed the task but your response could be more fully developed. Make sure to keep your answers directly relevant to the question. While you addressed causes and solutions to a degree, try to go into more depth on each of these perspectives to fully satisfy the task requirements.
task achievement
The ideas presented were relevant but sometimes lacked detail and clarity. Consider expanding on each point with clear and comprehensive examples or explanations to ensure that all your ideas are fully communicated and understood.
task achievement
Your essay would benefit from more specific examples to support your points. While you did include some examples, they were somewhat generic. Use specific, detailed examples to illustrate your points and make your arguments more convincing.
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