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Band 6.5

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the cause of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

#countries #weight #people #levels #health #fitness #measures
It is a serious problem in some nations, that of the rising number of overweight people and the worsening of their health and fitness conditions. The main reason behind these trends is that practising
sports
 is becoming unpopular,
while
 the amount of those having a sedentary lifestyle is increasing.
This
 essay will
also
 argue why the optimal solution is building more
sports
 facilities. Being unfit is often linked to little or no training at all because when a person does it, the body burns the fat in excess and it stimulates the growth of muscle tissues. If doing
sports
 is not a common thing to do in a community, more people will be overweight, so be more likely to be unhealthy.
For example
, in countries where sedentary lifestyles are widespread,
such
 as the United States, the share of citizens who are obese is very high, and so is the ratio of the population getting correlated diseases. The easiest way to solve
this
 problem is to create places where everyone can do
sports
. With
such
 a measure, they would be more accessible and the improvement of the incentive of training would help people to build healthy habits.
Such
 a thing has happened in Japan, where an enormous amount of services,
such
 as bikes or running shoes rent, are so popular that you can train virtually everywhere. The increasing concern over the growing of average weight and the decrease of the ratio of fit and healthy citizens
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is bringing many to think of what are the causes of these changes and what actions should be pursued in order to make them stop.
This
 essay has argued why the unpopularity of practising sport is one of the main reasons and that a measure to be taken is that the lack of
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 facilities should be solved by building more of them.
Submitted by giordansamuele on

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task achievement
Ensure a clear and concise introduction that presents the topic and your viewpoint efficiently. Your introduction started well but could be more precise regarding your stance.
task achievement
Expand on your main points with more detailed examples and evidences. Although you provided examples, further elaboration could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay with clear logical progression. Use transition words to ensure smooth flow between paragraphs and within them.
coherence cohesion
Conclude your essay more effectively by summarizing your arguments and reaffirming your stance in a clear, concise manner.
coherence cohesion
Increase the variety of sentence structures used to convey your points. This enhances readability and demonstrates linguistic capability.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • physical activity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • exercise
  • unhealthy diet
  • fast food
  • urbanization
  • modernization
  • stress
  • awareness
  • education
  • government intervention
  • policies
  • promotion
  • sports
  • fitness programs
  • health education
  • taxation
  • public transportation
  • infrastructure
  • parks
  • recreational spaces
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