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Band 6.5

Some people say that the only way to get success is to go to the University. Others say that it depends on other factors. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #success #university #factors
There are controversial perspectives heating up a debate over how to become a high achiever.
While
 some hold a strong view that the sole method to achieve accomplishments is having a learning journey in college, the opposite makes a statement that it has a heavy dependence on various elements.
While
 each has its own perks, I contend that it is optimal to combine both mentioned factors. Without a shadow of a doubt, digesting precious insights in universities brings a favourable influence on making high achievements.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that people are living in a diplomatic-based society, even leading or small companies require the reputed universities’ qualifications of their applicants. To be more precise, Vin Group and Sun
group
Capitalize word
Group
show examples
 can be cited as outstanding examples which have a strong foothold in markets making a requirement that their candidates must have degrees.
Thus
, getting access to tertiary education plays a paramount significant role in people’s success.
While
 a decent impact of enrolling in colleges is widely acknowledged, the fruitfulness of people has a heavy reliance on various facets, especially,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
skills
.
And the
Correct word choice
The
show examples
 explanation for
this
 is that when people have
skills
, they will create value efficiently for their company without time-consuming training. Problem-solving
skills
 can be cited as a compelling instance of the element which can help you be employed fast.
Therefore
, sets of
skills
 make a great contribution to people’s success. In conclusion,
while
 getting into institutions brings a tremendous impact on becoming a high achiever, there is a wealth of other facets which prove themselves as an advantageous influence on their fruitfulness
such
 as useful
skills
.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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task achievement
Flesh out your examples with more specific details. While you mention companies like Vin Group and Sun group requiring degrees, integrating real-life statistics or specific positions can make your argument more compelling.
task achievement
Try to ensure a balanced development of your paragraphs. While you've presented both sides, the paragraph on the importance of skills could benefit from more detailed examples, similar to how you discussed university education.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the linkage between paragraphs and ideas with varied transitional phrases. Although the logical structure is clear, using a wider range of connective words can improve the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Double-check the consistency of your argument. Make sure that your conclusion effectively encapsulates the viewpoints presented, emphasizing the importance of a combined approach rather than leaning heavily towards one side.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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