IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

People today are more concerned with owning material possessions than with developing friendships and family relationships. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

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It has been suggested that these days, we tend to prioritize the accumulation of possessions over the development of relationships with those closest to us.
While
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 there is some truth in the assertion that the world has become more materialistic, it is not necessarily true that
this
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 is at the cost of our loved ones.
To begin
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 with, given the growing amount of individual debt around the world, there is no better time to learn about the negative effects of personal debt than at school. Students would be less likely to borrow what they could not afford and more likely to stay
in
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on
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 credit when they reach adulthood.
Next,
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I believe that teaching teenagers how to manage their money within the school curriculum would be vital in allowing them to become financially independent, even before the age of 18. They would feel more confident in being able to control their daily or monthly expenditure and less reliant entirely on their parents for support or 'top-up' money.
On the other hand
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, some would argue that teenagers are often too immature to become truly financially responsible, and so the classes would be a waste of teaching time. Others point out that teaching the concept of financial responsibility as a new subject would unfairly
favor
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favour
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 those students who are good at math, and even that it would be just another way for them to get the best grades. Despite
this
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, in my experience, neither of these
last
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 two points is particularly valid. Most teenagers are keen to become financially independent as soon as they possibly can,
while
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 even the best mathematicians can experience difficulties with money at some point. In conclusion, financial responsibility should absolutely be taught as a genuine subject at school. Certainly, there are concerns over some students’ level of maturity or mathematical ability, but young people should not be denied the chance to become financially independent. It would help to ensure that current levels of debt are managed better in the future.

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Task Achievement
The essay seems to have strayed off-topic. The prompt asks for a discussion on material possessions versus relationships, whereas the essay focuses on financial responsibility and education. Making sure that your essay directly addresses the question asked is crucial. To improve, always keep the prompt in mind and plan your essay to ensure all paragraphs support your main argument in relation to the prompt.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay demonstrates good organizational structure and linkage between ideas, which aids in the readability and flow of your arguments. To further enhance coherence and cohesion, make sure each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that states the main point you'll discuss in that paragraph. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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