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Writing Samples
Band 6

In some areas of the US, a curfew is imposed, in which teenagers are not allowed to be out of doors after a particular time at night unless they are accompanied by an adult. What is your opinion about this?

#areas #curfew #teenagers #doors #time #night #adult
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In some cities in the United States, adolescents cannot go out of their homes after
certain
Correct article usage
a certain
show examples
 [hour] at
night
 if they are not
together with
 an adult. I totally disagree with the statement because imposing curfews does not prevent criminality and containing teens at home during the
night
 is an attack against their human rights. The main reason why I do not support forcing teenagers to stay at home during the
night
 is because it does not keep them safe from criminal acts.
This
 is because recent studies have shown that [] areas where [] curfew is imposed, young people tend to escape from their
parents
' houses more often without them noticing.
As a result
,
parents
 do not know their kids are in the streets, and if something bad happens, it might be too late to react.
On the other hand
, if
parents
 know where and with whom the teens go out, they would respond to emergencies more quickly and efficiently.
Furthermore
, imposing curfews [
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
] teens is not humanly just. The reason for
this
 is [because] everyone should have [their] free will to come and go whenever they want to leave their homes.
For instance
, when I was a teenager, I [would often] go to my grandmother's home at
night
, to check if she was all right. In the same vein, if adolescents have their human rights restricted, it can lead to bad behaviour and
therefore
, [family's] conflicts and unnecessary fights. In conclusion, the reasons why I totally disagree with imposing [] curfew [to] adolescents is because it is not safer for them, as many would keep on escaping from their houses after their
parents
 go to bed, and
also
, it is not humanly right, as it restricts their free-will.
Therefore
, politicians should use other strategies to reduce criminality,
such
 as improving their educational system and [
let
Wrong verb form
letting
show examples
] teenagers have their freedom.
Submitted by amandacflago23 on

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Task Achievement
It's important to further develop the ideas and provide more concrete examples to support your arguments. This will help strengthen your position and make your essay more persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure grammatical and typographical errors are minimized. Phrases like "in some cities in the United States, adolescents cannot go out of their homes after certain [hour] at night" should be corrected for clarity (e.g., "after a certain hour"). This will improve the overall clarity and coherence of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Integrate transitions more effectively to ensure a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs. Phrases that link ideas, such as "furthermore," can be used more strategically to guide the reader through your arguments.
Task Achievement
Consider offering a balanced view by acknowledging potential counterarguments or reasons why curfews might be beneficial, even if your ultimate stance disagrees. This can enrich your essay by showing a comprehensive understanding of the issue.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • enforce
  • juvenile
  • repercussions
  • autonomy
  • adolescence
  • paternalistic
  • delinquency
  • municipality
  • ordinance
  • authoritarian
  • peer pressure
  • social dynamics
  • civil liberties
  • community policing
  • preventative measures
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