obesity has become an issue in some Western countries, especially among children. What are the reasons behind, and what effects does it have on individuals' life

Over the
last
decades, Western populations have seen an increase in the number of
children
who suffer from obesity and
as well as
, overweight.
This
essay will discuss some reasons why
this
occurred and shed light on the consequences of
this
adverse tendency. The critical cause of
this
issue is a poor diet. In the
last
ten years, there has been a dramatic ascent in the number of fast food,
additionally
its restaurants.
For instance
, in the USA approximately every street has McDonald’s, KFC, and numerous
such
places. The junk food in these places is not healthy and it contains a lot of food pollutants, and hazardous chemicals and is consumed by customers, especially
children
. The effects of
this
have been and will continue to be very weighty.
Firstly
, there has been a significant increase in the rates of disease conditions, and health issues amongst
children
, especially diabetes. The majority of youngsters are suffering from serious illnesses which relate to being overweight and obese.
Moreover
, it can lead to feelings of embarrassment among their peers and lower self-confidence and self-esteem.
Furthermore
, it
also
brings viable discrimination in the job and business market and can be another negative impact of being obese.
To sum up
, the obvious conclusion to be drawn is that,
it is clear that
there are plenty of causes of being overweight amongst
children
,
Remove the comma
apply
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and a larger variety of detrimental effects. Society must ensure steps are taken to prevent
this
problem from
further
.
Submitted by feruzayla2006 on

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Task Achievement
Your essay provides a comprehensive response to the prompt with clear and comprehensive ideas. However, including more distinct, real-world examples could enhance the task achievement score.
Coherence and Cohesion
You've structured your essay logically, which enhances its readability. To further improve coherence and cohesion, try varying your sentence structures and using a wider range of linking words for smoother transitions between ideas.
Structure
The introduction and conclusion are well-defined, effectively framing your essay.
Support for Main Points
Main points are supported with reasons, though more specific examples could add depth.
Clarity of Ideas
Your discussion of causes and consequences is clear and relates well to the prompt.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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