IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Scientists agree that many people eat too much junk food and it is damaging their health. Some people think that this problem can be solved by educating people, while others believe that education will not work. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#scientists #people #junk #food #health #education #work
It is agreed that the current trend of
junk
food
 overconsumption is detrimental to
people
’s health. Some
people
 feel that
this
 issue can be tackled by raising awareness about the dangers of eating too much fast
food
,
while
 others believe
this
 approach will not yield any results. Personally, I agree with the latter point of view. One might argue that educating
people
 about the harms of
junk
food
 can help to improve their eating habits.
This
 is because a lot of
people
 are indeed unaware of the harmful effects of foods like burgers and
Correct your spelling
hot dogs
show examples
hot-dogs
Correct your spelling
hot dogs
show examples
, which are usually high in calories and contain very little nutritional value.
This
 is especially true for many developing nations where the science of healthy eating is almost foreign, but fast-
food
 chains
such
 as KFC are springing up at every corner, making unhealthy meals ever accessible. If
people
 living in those areas were better educated in
this
 regard, maybe they would think twice before choosing to eat
junk
food
,
hence
 the view that education is the key
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 bettering the diet of
people
.
However
, I would argue that merely educating
people
 is a rather futile move. Most consumers of
junk
food
 actually know it’s harmful, yet
this
 knowledge doesn’t seem to affect their diet in any meaningful way. Take popular fizzy drinks – Cola and Pepsi – as an example.
Although
 nearly everyone knows these drinks have a high sugar content, which can lead to numerous
heath-related
Correct your spelling
health-related
show examples
 problems
such
 as excess weight and diabetes, they continue to be consumed by several billion
people
 on a daily basis. The same is true for many other harmful substances, including cigarettes and alcohol – by far the most consumed products in the world whose harmful content
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 widely known.
Therefore
, education by itself would not curb the consumption of fast
food
. In conclusion, even though educational campaigns against
junk
food
 may create a limited impact,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it would not completely solve the problem. The vast majority of
people
 with unhealthy diets are perfectly aware of the damaging
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 which
junk
food
 has, showing how ineffective education can be.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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Introduction & Conclusion
Your essay successfully introduces and concludes with a clear stance on the issue, effectively meeting task requirements. However, for a higher score, consider incorporating a broader range of complex sentences and vocabulary to demonstrate greater linguistic flexibility.
Logical Structure
You've developed a logical structure that smoothly guides the reader through your argument. To further enhance your essay, make sure every paragraph clearly supports your main point and consider adding more transitional phrases for seamless flow between ideas.
Specific Examples
While you've used examples effectively, expanding on them with more detail and incorporating a wider variety of evidence could strengthen your argument and provide a deeper insight into the issue.
Coherence
To enhance coherence, try to ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single idea, supported by specific examples or reasons. This will make your essay more convincing and easier to follow.
Task Achievement
You've done an excellent job of covering both sides of the argument before stating your own opinion, which is a key requirement for achieving a high score in task achievement.
Use of Examples
Your use of relevant examples, like KFC in developing countries, fizzy drinks, and the comparison to cigarettes and alcohol, highlights your ability to provide specific information supporting your argument.
Essay Structure
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, demonstrating strong coherence and cohesion.
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