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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The diagram illustrates main changes that have occurred at West Park Secondary School over a thirty-year period and its proposed development in 2010.

The diagram illustrates main changes that have occurred at West Park Secondary School over a thirty-year period and its proposed development in 2010.
#changes #west #park #school #period #development
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The map shows major changes
happened
Correct pronoun usage
that happened
show examples
 at West Park Secondary School over a
30 year
Add a hyphen
30-year
show examples
time
Use synonyms
period
Use synonyms
 and its proposed plan in 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
,
main
Change the article
the main
show examples
 road remained the same throughout the
period
Use synonyms
 but houses and
framand
Correct your spelling
framed
farmland
framing
disappeard
Correct your spelling
disappeared
disappear
 from the map.
Firstly
Linking Words
,houses
converted
Add a missing verb
were converted
show examples
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 car parking and
science
Correct article usage
a science
show examples
 block in 1980.
In addition
Linking Words
,
science
Correct article usage
a science
show examples
 block
added
Add a missing verb
was added
show examples
 to the main school building during
this
Linking Words
time
Use synonyms
.Farmland faced a major change.It
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 replaced by
sports
Correct article usage
a sports
show examples
 field in 1980,which was
taken place
Verb problem
replaced
show examples
 by car parking in 2010.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
main
Change the article
the main
show examples
 road remained the same throughout the
time
Use synonyms
period
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
sports
Correct article usage
the sports
show examples
 field was shifted to
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 and car parking took
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
place in 2010.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
playground
Add an article
the playground
a playground
show examples
 was reduced from
it's
Replace the word
its
show examples
 original size in that given
time
Use synonyms
period
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by ashraftaukir on

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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words time, period with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "changes" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "map" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 2 times.
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