IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Nowadays you can find instructional videos for just about any crime you can think of. What possible effects can this have on individuals and society? Provide specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

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The number of
videos
Use synonyms
 featuring violence, crime, and drug use on YouTube is appalling and terrifying, and
this
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 essay will discuss the harmful consequences of the increasing visibility of felonies. First and foremost,
videos
Use synonyms
 that provide unhealthy messages and contain negative information can have a significant impact on young people’s development. It is an undeniable fact that the growing number of
such
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videos
Use synonyms
 has led to more violent criminal acts among youngsters. Developing minds are extremely vulnerable to negative influences, especially when necessary school and family education is inadequate.
For example
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, in 2022, several teenage students reportedly brutally attacked an elderly lady at a park in New York after watching
videos
Use synonyms
 with similar but fictional scenes. What is even worse is that before a stricter regulation was implemented, one could easily find online tutorials with millions of views on how to get and use drugs; it is not hard to assume the number of people who actually followed the instructions. Apart from individuals, society as an entity has been struggling to alleviate and eliminate the problem.
Firstly
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, governments are under mounting pressure from the public as the younger generation is slowly transforming into an intimidating group of people thanks to the widespread harmful
videos
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
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, teachers and other staff on campus are in a morass of having to deal with problematic students
while
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 giving lectures at the same time.
Thirdly
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, since most of those who turned into felons are relatively poor, the financial burden of their families was exacerbated, which could lead to generational poverty.
Finally
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, violent crime victims are often the most vulnerable people, namely the disabled, elderly, and illegal immigrant workers.
Therefore
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, society is facing an imminent crisis that threatens the well-being of the public in various aspects.
To sum up
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, the world has entered an era where a child can find multiple ways to murder someone on the internet, and
this
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 can have profound and even irreparable effects on society and everyone who simply wants to remain unharmed.

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task response
Your essay is well-developed with clear and comprehensive ideas addressing the topic effectively. However, aiming for a few more detailed examples in some parts could enhance the elaboration and strengthen your argument even further.
coherence and cohesion
Your sentences and paragraphs are generally well-linked, creating a logical flow throughout the essay. Try to use a few more connective phrases to ensure the transitions between ideas are exceptionally seamless.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and effectively summarize the topic and main points, making the essay cohesive and easy to follow.
task response
You used relevant and specific examples which significantly support the main points, illustrating the arguments well.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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