IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that the government Should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individuals should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion? Give reason for your answer and include examples from your own experience

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There are individuals who believe the
government
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 should support
people
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's finances after they retire,
however
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, in some societies, preparing for their
retirement
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 is a necessity. In my opinion, I agree that the
government
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 should have a
program
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 to support or prevent old
people
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 from financial struggle after
retirement
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due to
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 the fact that old
people
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also
Linking Words
 have the right to feel financially safe. It is the
government
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's responsibility to make their citizens feel safe including
feeling
Verb problem
apply
show examples
financially safe and
this
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 could be
handle
Wrong verb form
handled
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 by
organize a finances
Replace the word
organising financial
show examples
 management.
Although
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 individuals have the right to manage their finances during their productive ages, in some conditions there are circumstances that lead them to spend their savings in unexpected scenes. The
government
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 is able to contribute by arranging a
program
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 for
employees
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 to have a deposit during their working years that able to withdraw after they retire.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Indonesia, the
government
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 manage a finance
program
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 named Jamsostek for
employees
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 and
this
Linking Words
program
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 is proven as an effective way to prevent
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
financial
struggling
Fix the agreement mistake
struggles
show examples
 during
retirement
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 days. In detail, the system will auto-debit a certain amount of money from their bank account in every payroll which able to withdraw after they resign from their current company or retire. As
result
Correct article usage
a result
show examples
, it reduces stress for
employees
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 from planning their
retirement
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 fund and they will be able to feel safe.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 are responsible for their own management of money, there is a space for the
government
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's contribution to prevent old
people
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 from struggling after
retirement
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. In brief, the
government
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 could organize a finance management
program
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 to help
employees
Use synonyms
 save their money.

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coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to enhance the logical structure further.
task achievement
Ensure that your examples are more specific and detailed to provide stronger support for your main points.
task achievement
Consider addressing potential counterarguments to strengthen your position and provide a more comprehensive response to the task.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps structure the overall argument.
task achievement
The response successfully covers the required aspects of the task by discussing both perspectives and providing reasons for your opinion.
task achievement
The use of the example of the Jamsostek program in Indonesia effectively illustrates your point about government support.

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

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