Some people believe that the government Should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individuals should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion? Give reason for your answer and include examples from your own experience
There are individuals who believe the
government
should support people
's finances after they retire, however
, in some societies, preparing for their retirement
is a necessity. In my opinion, I agree that the government
should have a program
to support or prevent old people
from financial struggle after retirement
due to
the fact that old people
also
have the right to feel financially safe.
It is the government
's responsibility to make their citizens feel safe including feeling
financially safe and Verb problem
apply
this
could be handle
by Wrong verb form
handled
organize a finances
management. Replace the word
organising financial
Although
individuals have the right to manage their finances during their productive ages, in some conditions there are circumstances that lead them to spend their savings in unexpected scenes. The government
is able to contribute by arranging a program
for employees
to have a deposit during their working years that able to withdraw after they retire. For instance
, in Indonesia, the government
manage a finance program
named Jamsostek for employees
and this
program
is proven as an effective way to prevent the
financial Correct article usage
apply
struggling
during Fix the agreement mistake
struggles
retirement
days. In detail, the system will auto-debit a certain amount of money from their bank account in every payroll which able to withdraw after they resign from their current company or retire. As result
, it reduces stress for Correct article usage
a result
employees
from planning their retirement
fund and they will be able to feel safe.
To conclude
, although
people
are responsible for their own management of money, there is a space for the government
's contribution to prevent old people
from struggling after retirement
. In brief, the government
could organize a finance management program
to help employees
save their money.Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on
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coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to enhance the logical structure further.
task achievement
Ensure that your examples are more specific and detailed to provide stronger support for your main points.
task achievement
Consider addressing potential counterarguments to strengthen your position and provide a more comprehensive response to the task.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps structure the overall argument.
task achievement
The response successfully covers the required aspects of the task by discussing both perspectives and providing reasons for your opinion.
task achievement
The use of the example of the Jamsostek program in Indonesia effectively illustrates your point about government support.
Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.
A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).
Stick to this essay structure:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion