IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some cities public parks and open spaces are being changed into gardens where local residents can grow their own fruit and vegetables. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#cities #parks #spaces #gardens #residents #fruit #vegetables
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A considerable discussion point is whether social parks and free spaces are being converted into gardens where inhabitants can plant personal products.
This
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 writer contends that the benefit of raising awareness of healthy fruit is eclipsed by the drawbacks of chemical
substances
Change the noun form
substance
show examples
 requirements and difficulties in management. On the one hand, it is vital to understand that chemical factors have a harmful impact on the environment. Specifically, fertilizers or pesticides are utilized to raise the growth of plants, providing them
the
Add the preposition
with the
show examples
 best state of health.
However
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, those substances are extremely toxic to the habitat, especially soil and water. Extensive research has consistently shown that pesticides would destroy all the nutrition contained in soil,
whereas
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 fertilizers will directly pollute the underground water.
Thus
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, the more gardens the more toxic environment needs to suffer.
Furthermore
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, public areas are hard to control leading to several social problems.
In other words
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, establishing more growing sites requires strict management which is difficult to maintain as everyone can attend public spaces so thieves are inevitable.
Besides
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, high amounts of litter would appear as far as delinquencies.
For example
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, Thailand developed
this
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 growing method in 2016,
however
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, 56% of plants were stolen on the first night despite numerous security cameras.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 kind of planting might increase the cognition of consuming healthy food among residents. If residents are able to grow their own fruits, they can avoid eating unhealthy ones.
This
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 may be true but quality fruits can
also
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 be found in prestige supermarkets where the growing process is strictly observed. Those supermarkets not only provide better fruits but
also
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 alleviate the effort among individuals, which can be used for other purposes. In conclusion, the disadvantages of public gardens outweighed the advantages
due to
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 chemical substances demand and difficult management.
Hence
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, despite the benefit of growing healthy fruit,
this
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 is
also
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 provided by industry farms.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure clarity and precision in your arguments. Some points were slightly unclear and could benefit from further elaboration or rephrasing.
task achievement
When mentioning examples like Thailand, give more context or information if possible to strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph addresses a specific point and avoid merging too many ideas in one paragraph. This will help to maintain clarity and logical structure.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present and effectively summarize the main arguments.
task achievement
Main points are supported with relevant examples, which helps to illustrate the arguments.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced discussion of both the advantages and disadvantages of public parks being converted into gardens.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Urban Agriculture
  • Community Engagement
  • Social Interaction
  • Physical Exercise
  • Mental Relaxation
  • Fresh Produce
  • Sustainability
  • Biodiversity
  • Carbon Footprint
  • Air Quality
  • Educational Opportunities
  • Horticulture
  • Teamwork
  • Sustainable Living
  • Food Security
  • Locally-grown
  • Nutritious
  • Neighborhood Bonds
  • Urban Sustainability
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