IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations.

#world #life #expectancy #individuals #society #measures #impact #populations
Nowadays, life is expanding rapidly. So, some people are facing multiple daily issues
due to
 the huge population.
This
 essay will discuss the problems
as well as
 the proposed solutions. As the number of humans is increasing, it is most probably the traffic is rising too. To illustrate, families used to drive a variety of cars, every member had their own.
Thus
,
this
 is affecting the traffic, time management, and air pollution of the citizens.
Moreover
, the job chances will be reduced. Normally, companies have limited employers and tasks. If the number of the country's residents is higher than the number of careers, the salary range will be lower than assumed.
Additionally
, shelter and housing are expected to become more expensive. Here are some suggestions that can solve the current concern. First of all, by adding a county law for reducing the average of cars to one to three maximum for all families.
As a result
, the traffic inside the city will decline, and the movement of cars will be faster and more efficient.
In addition
, people can improve their careers by creating a start-up company or a personal business. There are a variety of types of freelancing jobs, that can be done at home or by individuals. Many channels and websites are encouraging
this
 self-salary approach
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since it expands the income.
To sum up
, the world becoming harder than in the past.
This
 is because of the development of life. It is proven by the essay some solutions that can be advantageous to apply.
Submitted by balqassab3 on

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task achievement
Clarify the relationship between life expectancy and the problems discussed (traffic, job opportunities, housing). It is not clear how increasing life expectancy directly leads to these issues.
task achievement
Include more relevant and specific examples. For instance, you could cite specific countries or statistics related to traffic congestion and housing shortages due to aging populations.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow of ideas. The transition from discussing problems to proposing solutions should be smoother, and the solutions should directly address the problems identified.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main point, supported by appropriate details. For example, the paragraph on traffic issues could be better structured to explain the causes and effects more clearly.
coherence cohesion
The essay has an introduction and conclusion, which provides a clear framework for the discussion.
task achievement
The solutions proposed are practical and can contribute to mitigating the problems discussed. For example, limiting the number of cars per family and encouraging personal businesses are realistic and actionable steps.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • average life expectancy
  • developed world
  • increase
  • individuals
  • society
  • personal goals
  • ambitions
  • quality of life
  • leisure
  • recreation
  • healthcare costs
  • challenges
  • healthcare system
  • ageing population
  • shortage
  • available workers
  • economy
  • retirement planning
  • healthy lifestyles
  • investing
  • social support systems
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