IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

2.Success is often measured in wealth and material belongings. Do you think wealth is the best measure success? What makes a successful person?

#success #wealth #belongings #measure #person
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In modern society,
success
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 is frequently based on
wealth
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 and the accumulation of material assets.
However
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,
this
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 perspective is reductive and overlooks the multifaceted nature of human achievement. In my opinion, true
success
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 should be measured by personal growth, personal happiness, and the ability to overcome adversity, rather than solely by financial status. There are several reasons why the concept of
success
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 cannot be measured by
wealth
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.
To begin
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 with,
wealth
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 can be obtained effortlessly.
For example
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, take well-off families who have bequeathed their inheritance to the next generation, their familial financial
wealth
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 does not give children’s
success
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 a seal of approval. I believe that if money is not raped from hard work, people with high social standards should no longer be admired.
Secondly
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, hardly can anyone deny the fact that some massive achievements in life yield a high level of return either too late or never, namely artists and scientists in the history of mankind.
However
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,
while
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 money is not a suitable measure of
success
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, an individual’s personal growth and happiness could be considered a valid way to determine a successful person. Personal growth can come in many forms,
for example
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, gaining higher education, building meaningful relationships or landing your dream job. Clearly, someone who has achieved these type of things in life would look at themself as being successful and would be content in their life journey.
In particular
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, it would lead to high self-esteem, improving their ability to overcome adversity.
To sum up
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,
wealth
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 does not guarantee
success
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. A person can
handed
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handle
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 every material possession imaginable but
this
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 does not make them a successful person.
Submitted by sunnyrogle22 on

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language accuracy
Ensure to proofread for minor errors, such as 'if money is not raped' which should be 'if money is not earned.' Ensuring clarity enhances your argument's persuasiveness.
cohesion
Enhance your use of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transitions between ideas. Phrases like 'on the other hand' or 'alternatively' can make your argument's structure clearer.
supporting examples
Consider presenting more diverse examples from various fields to strengthen your arguments. While you mention artists and scientists, including contemporary examples can make your argument more relatable.
response strategy
Balance your paragraphs in length and depth of analysis. This can help in delivering a more thorough and balanced response.
introduction
The introduction clearly states your position, effectively setting up the argument for the rest of the essay.
conclusion
The conclusion succinctly summarizes your main points without introducing new ideas, which effectively rounds off the essay.
examples
Strong use of relevant examples, specifically mentioning artists and scientists to illustrate your points about success beyond wealth.
content
The essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and provides thoughtful commentary on the multifaceted nature of success.
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