IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

A country becomes more interesting and develops more quickly when its population includes a mixture of nationalities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In today's globalised world, the idea that a nation becomes more exciting and advances faster if it is home to a blend of nationalities is a powerful one.
This
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 essay will discuss the extent to which I agree with
this
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 statement, focusing on cultural wealth, economic growth and social issues.
Firstly
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, having a diverse population improves the cultural landscape of the country. When people from different backgrounds come together, they contribute unique traditions, cuisines, languages and points of view.
This
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 cultural fusion can make life more colourful and enjoyable.
For example
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, cities like New York and London are known for their multicultural atmosphere, offering residents and visitors a rich variety of experiences.
This
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 cultural diversity can
also
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 promote creativity and innovation, as different points of view often lead to new ideas and solutions.
Secondly
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, the mixing of nationalities can contribute to economic development. Immigrants often bring a range of skills and knowledge that add to the local labour force. They can fill the labour skills gap in critical sectors, start new businesses and stimulate economic activity.
For instance
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, Silicon Valley in the US has strongly benefited from the contribution of immigrants to the technology industry.
In addition
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, the International Trade Center has a population that understands and interacts with multiple markets around the world. In conclusion,
while
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 mixing nationalities can indeed make a country more attractive and stimulate its development, it
also
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 requires careful management to promote social harmony.
Therefore
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, I agree with
this
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 statement to a large extent, but the government of countries should handle the issue of emigration carefully.

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task achievement
Ensure that the introduction sets clear expectations for the essay's structure and argument. The introduction can be slightly improved by outlining the main points that will be discussed.
coherence cohesion
Work on making the conclusion stronger by clearly summarizing the main points discussed in the body paragraphs. A more definitive restatement of the thesis in light of the evidence presented would improve the coherence.
task achievement
The essay effectively addresses the topic and offers relevant examples to support the main points, such as references to New York, London, and Silicon Valley.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph presents a clear main idea and includes supporting details, which demonstrates good organization and logical structure.
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