Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to only be meant for adults. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes, and what solutions can be offered?
Diseases that were thought to only be meant for older
people
are now happening for children
, and obesity
is a main disease for them. The causes of this
phenomenon are because
Correct word choice
that
children
are eating too many snacks
and are addicted to video
games
, while
the best solutions are public advertisement and adding a fat tax
.
Children
are suffering from obesity
because of their behaviour of eating snacks
uncontrolled. This
is because one small snack can contain more than half of the calories needed per day per person, eating snacks
with no control could make children
exceed the maximum calories needed. Another reason is playing video
games
too much. This
is to say that playing video
games
on a computer would make children
stay still in the same place for a long time with a small movement, which leads to no calories being burned and weight gain. For example
, many obese children
in RSPI, one of Jakarta's hospitals, have a habit of playing video
games
for more than 5 hours a day.
The best solution for this
case is to make a public advertisement about food ingredients. Many sweet foods
like chocolate and candy are liked by most children
, these foods
contain lots of sugar but many parents are not aware of it, especially parents with low economy. This
is because low-economy people
are not used to being critical and thinking about this
kind of information. Another solution is to add a fat tax
on unhealthy foods
. This
can increase the price of the foods
, which means fewer people
can afford them. As a result
, the fat tax
would make fewer people
buy and consume unhealthy foods
. For instance
, when the regulation of fat tax
on junk foods
was applied in Indonesia, the trend of children
suffering from obesity
cases decreased in the hospital.
In conclusion, children
nowadays are suffering from obesity
because they are eating snacks
with no control and are playing video
games
too much. The best solutions for this
situation are to make a public advertisement and apply the fat tax
on unhealthy foods
.Submitted by ralitsa.zk on
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Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that all paragraphs are logically linked to each other. Transition phrases and connectors can be used more effectively.
Task Response
For a more complete response, further elaborate on why these causes particularly affect modern children as opposed to adults. More in-depth exploration is needed.
Coherence and Cohesion
Better paragraphing can enhance clarity. Each paragraph should ideally have one central idea, clearly stated at the beginning.
Task Response
To strengthen your argument, provide further relevant and specific examples. Statistics, studies, or additional anecdotes can support your main points better.
Overall Writing
Clear structure with a defined introduction and conclusion helps in understanding the essay's flow.
Task Response
Concrete examples, such as those concerning video games and hospital data, add credibility to your claims.
Task Achievement
The proposed solutions are practical and directly related to the causes of the issue, strengthening your argument.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite