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Writing Samples
Band 7

Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to only be meant for adults. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes, and what solutions can be offered?

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Diseases that were thought to only be meant for older
people
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 are now happening for
children
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, and
obesity
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 is a main disease for them. The causes of
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon are
because
Correct word choice
that
show examples
children
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 are eating too many
snacks
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 and are addicted to
video
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games
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,
while
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 the best solutions are public advertisement and adding a fat
tax
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.
Children
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 are suffering from
obesity
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 because of their behaviour of eating
snacks
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 uncontrolled.
This
Linking Words
 is because one small snack can contain more than half of the calories needed per day per person, eating
snacks
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 with no control could make
children
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 exceed the maximum calories needed. Another reason is playing
video
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games
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 too much.
This
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 is to say that playing
video
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games
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 on a computer would make
children
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 stay still in the same place for a long time with a small movement, which leads to no calories being burned and weight gain.
For example
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, many obese
children
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 in RSPI, one of Jakarta's hospitals, have a habit of playing
video
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games
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 for more than 5 hours a day. The best solution for
this
Linking Words
 case is to make a public advertisement about food ingredients. Many sweet
foods
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 like chocolate and candy are liked by most
children
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, these
foods
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 contain lots of sugar but many parents are not aware of it, especially parents with low economy.
This
Linking Words
 is because low-economy
people
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 are not used to being critical and thinking about
this
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 kind of information. Another solution is to add a fat
tax
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 on unhealthy
foods
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.
This
Linking Words
 can increase the price of the
foods
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, which means fewer
people
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 can afford them.
As a result
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, the fat
tax
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 would make fewer
people
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 buy and consume unhealthy
foods
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, when the regulation of fat
tax
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 on junk
foods
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 was applied in Indonesia, the trend of
children
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 suffering from
obesity
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 cases decreased in the hospital. In conclusion,
children
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 nowadays are suffering from
obesity
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 because they are eating
snacks
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 with no control and are playing
video
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games
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 too much. The best solutions for
this
Linking Words
 situation are to make a public advertisement and apply the fat
tax
Use synonyms
 on unhealthy
foods
Use synonyms
.

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Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that all paragraphs are logically linked to each other. Transition phrases and connectors can be used more effectively.
Task Response
For a more complete response, further elaborate on why these causes particularly affect modern children as opposed to adults. More in-depth exploration is needed.
Coherence and Cohesion
Better paragraphing can enhance clarity. Each paragraph should ideally have one central idea, clearly stated at the beginning.
Task Response
To strengthen your argument, provide further relevant and specific examples. Statistics, studies, or additional anecdotes can support your main points better.
Overall Writing
Clear structure with a defined introduction and conclusion helps in understanding the essay's flow.
Task Response
Concrete examples, such as those concerning video games and hospital data, add credibility to your claims.
Task Achievement
The proposed solutions are practical and directly related to the causes of the issue, strengthening your argument.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Obesity
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Prevalent
  • Genetic predisposition
  • Comfort eating
  • Screen time
  • Physical education
  • Nutritional education
  • Economic disparities
  • Food deserts
  • Subsidize
  • Advertising
  • Weight management
  • Junk food
  • Healthy food options
  • Physical activity
  • Body image
  • Counseling
  • Consumer education
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