Many young people are leaving the countryside to live in cities leaving behind an elderly population. What are the problems associated with this? What can be done about it?
There is no denying that a
number
of young generations are leaving rural areas
to live in big cities, leaving behind senior citizens. This
situation has a number
of negative impacts on our society. However
, I firmly believe that there are several ways to solve this
issue.
There are a number
of issues if the majority of young people relocate to metropolitan areas
. The most conspicuous one lies in the fact that finding jobs is challenging in the countryside
. The primary reason is that there are a number
of reasons why young individuals leave the countryside
. These days, it is certainly difficult to find job opportunities in the rural areas
. For example
, recent research shows that over 80% of job openings are centralized in the capital city of Korea. This
is especially true in South Korea, where 80% of job openings can be found in Seoul. It is also
worth mentioning that there is less infrastructure for education, entertainment, or cultural facilities for raising their children in rural areas
. According to
a recent study, more and more young citizens are moving to bigger cities to find better environments.
To solve this
situation, I truly believe that the government should establish more infrastructure in the countryside
. Also
, by reducing tax rates in many fields for young individuals who are willing to move to small cities, small towns can have a younger population. In New Zealand, recently published research has shown that there has been significant population growth in the younger generation since governments have provided a number
of benefits.
In conclusion, it is clear that
there are many drawbacks to the decreasing young population. However
, there are effective ways to solve this
problem by providing benefits to young people who are living in the countryside
.Submitted by hmhy0326 on
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coherence cohesion
To achieve higher cohesion, consider avoiding repetitive phrases. For example, the essay mentions 'a number of reasons' and 'the number of reasons' in quick succession. Try to use varied expressions.
coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from a clearer organization of ideas. Ensure each paragraph presents a single clear idea. For instance, the first body paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on job opportunities and another on education and infrastructure.
task achievement
Ensure that examples provided are directly relevant and concise. Some examples might be too lengthy or repetitive (e.g., mentioning job statistics for South Korea multiple times).
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, framing the issue well and summarizing the solutions effectively.
task achievement
The problems and solutions are well-identified, covering both social and infrastructural aspects of the issue.
task achievement
The use of specific examples and statistics enhances the legitimacy of the points being made, making the argument more convincing.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic
Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.
You essay structure should look something like this:
- Introduction
- Body paragraph 1 – Problems
- Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
- Conclusion
Examples to start your body paragraph:
- One of the first problems of the...
- Another problem that needs to be considered...
- A possible solution to this problem would be...
- One immediate practical solution is to...