IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries it is now illegal to advertise alcohol. Do you agree or disagree?

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There are a lot of republics where
alcohol
Use synonyms
 advertising is banned.
This
Linking Words
 essay agrees with
this
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 idea because drinking can destroy families and advertisers influence
Correct article usage
the
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nation’s minds destroying human identification identification Advertising of alcoholic beverages should be prohibited because
alcohol
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 affects the mental and physical state of a person. If a person drinks a lot of
alcohol
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, various mental problems may appear that will affect life in general; thanks to
alcohol
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, schizophrenia, bipolar disorders, and so on can develop. When drinking
alcohol
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, a person harms not only himself
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 his family and friends. There are many problems with
alcohol
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 in the CIS countries,
for example
Linking Words
 in Russia there are a lot of deaths from alcoholism, but after comparing the percentage of deaths from
alcohol
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, Russia banned
alcohol
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 advertising on television, which led to a decrease in deaths from
alcohol
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 There is another side to why “drinks of death” are advertised,
this
Linking Words
 side shows why
people
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 supposedly should buy
alcohol
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. The main goal of the seller is to sell more
alcohol
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 even if the person’s
alcohol
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 limit has been exhausted. Sellers, in principle, do not care what their product will lead to and what consequences
people
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 will suffer after drinking the “drink of Satan.” A commercial company is trying to show
alcohol
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 as a drink of rich
people
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, trying to show that if you buy
alcohol
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 you will feel happier or something like that.
For example
Linking Words
, an advertisement for Korona beer shows a beautiful girl on the beach drinking beer.
However
Linking Words
,
at the end
Linking Words
 of the advertisement, it is necessary to include a warning about the dangers of
alcohol
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 and what the consequences will be if you consume that very “drink of death” Well, in conclusion,
this
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 “suicide bomber’s drink” should be banned from advertising in other countries and the creators of
such
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 drinks should not be allowed to profit from ordinary
people
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, I sincerely hope that
alcohol
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 advertising will be banned in all countries

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task achievement
Your response tackles the task comprehensively but could benefit from more elaboration on each argument to deepen the reader's understanding.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction states your thesis clearly and concisely. While your conclusion is strong, the introduction could be more clear about your stance.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are well-supported, but transitions between paragraphs can be smoother. This will help in maintaining a more cohesive flow of ideas.
task achievement
Work on reducing repetitive phrases and words to make your essay more concise and impactful.
task achievement
The essay strongly supports the central argument with relevant examples, particularly the case of Russia. This helps to illustrate your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion wraps up the essay well and reinforces the main points clearly.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph contains a clear main point, which is crucial for effective communication of ideas.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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