IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Obesity is a serious problem in many countries, especially in rich countries. Discuss ways to solve the problem. Provide specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

#obesity #countries #support
Undoubtedly, the proliferating rate of diseases like obesity in profound nations is a topic of concern. There are a plethora of reasons
such
 as packed stuff, technology, fast food and a lot more behind
this
 global issue. We need to take significant actions to mitigate
this
 health problem and support people to live a salubrious life.
This
 essay will discuss the various measures in detail. First of all, we should raise awareness among the youth and motivate them to participate in some sports activities in their free time in order to stay agile and fit.
Thus
,
this
 results in diverging them from video games and blessing them with their holistic development. To illustrate, a recent study by the World Health Organisation claimed that 35% of toddlers are overweight because they spend most of their time with smart gadgets.
Secondly
, in
this
 fast-paced era, we prefer everything to be quick and food is no more exception. Consuming hamburgers and ready-to-cook meals can save us time
nevertheless
 these diets come with ample calories and preservatives which can drastically impact the human body.
Therefore
, the government should intervene and make some stringent rules for the food industry to produce products with minimal preservatives.
For example
, a recent survey done around the globe has revealed that rural citizens of India are healthier than urban individuals because they prefer eating fresh cuisine over packed foodstuff. In summary, I think the above-mentioned preventive actions should help the countries to put a pause on
this
 growing obesity problem and make the planet Earth a healthier place to live.
Submitted by joshi65201 on

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clear comprehensive ideas
Ensure that ideas are consistently clear and comprehensive. At times, the sentences could be more concise to enhance readability.
supporting main points
While the essay has good examples, aim to delve deeper into connecting these examples more seamlessly with your arguments.
logical structure
Consider varying sentence structures to improve the overall flow and readability of the essay.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly presents the topic and outlines the key issues contributing to obesity.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and states the importance of taking preventive actions.
logical structure
The essay is logically structured, with paragraphs focused on distinct points (awareness and sports activities, fast food consumption, and government intervention).
relevant specific examples
Relevant examples, such as the studies from WHO and a global survey on Indian rural citizens, are used to support the arguments.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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