IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronics entertainment it would be better to encourage them to spend more time outside playing sports and games. Do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, kids are wasting most of their time using technological gadgets rather than spending it playing with others and interacting with nature like enjoying the playing area of the parks. I strongly agree with that, as motivating children to play outside is a privilege to create sociable and healthy communities. First and foremost, communicating and playing with others is one of the best methods to avoid being introverted. Spending time playing with kids will help them to understand various minds, and how to speak with different mentality from a younger age.
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, as their ideas and personalities are still shaping, being extroverted will their personality and it will positively affect them for the rest of their lives.
For example
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, children who play together in parks
,
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 will be easier for them to make relationships in the future either in their
work
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 or life.
Secondly
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, playing is a good training for people in their childhood, and it will affect their prospective life. As they move a lot and utilize their energy their body will keep burning fats,
instead
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 of sitting and watching YouTube videos leading to obesity and other diseases.
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, their muscles are going to be stronger and more flexible which will help them in their
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 and house responsibilities.
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, kids who used to run a lot in their childhood will find it acceptable for them to
work
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 in construction, as their bodies have the ability to adapt to
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 kind of
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. In conclusion, I believe that parent should advise their children to use their leisure time to play and entertain themselves with others and the outdoor facilities, to form a well-constructed society.

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task achievement
The essay effectively responds to the task by addressing the dependency on technological gadgets and advocating for outdoor play. However, it can be improved by providing more detailed and varied examples to better support the arguments.
coherence cohesion
While the essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion, the logical flow can be enhanced. Consider using more cohesive devices and transitional phrases to improve the overall coherence and connection between ideas.
task achievement
Ensure that ideas are fully developed and clearly articulated to avoid ambiguity. Providing more specific real-life examples could strengthen the argument and make it more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the discussion well.
coherence cohesion
The main points are logically organized and contribute to the overall argument of encouraging outdoor play.
task achievement
The argument that outdoor play can help children avoid becoming introverted and promote physical health is well-presented.
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