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Band 6

In cities, an increasing number of people do not know their neighbours. There is no longer sense of community. What do you think are the causes of this problem and suggest methods to solve it?

#cities #people #neighbours #sense #community #methods
In
this
 globalization era, people frequently become individuals neglecting societies around their residences.
This
 behaviour is influenced by plenty of interconnecting factors that
increase
Wrong verb form
have increased
show examples
 the trend significantly for years. Considering my own circumstances, I personally believe technological advancement, mainly the internet and mobile phones, is one among many contributors.
Firstly
, cell phones become ubiquitous in recent times, changing people's lifestyles. In a similar way, by means of
Internet
Add an article
the Internet
show examples
, we could interact with our colleagues
although
 not in the same physical space.
For instance
, youngsters usually spend their time playing online games with their peers or just scrolling the social media. Because of
this
 convenience, juveniles would rather play with their devices than interact with their neighbour who
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 adjacent to their home.
Secondly
, specifically in the city, a new living place arrangement nowadays is not established for socializing intention,
such
 as an apartment or premium residential area.
Furthermore
, many immigrants who just moved to the city hesitate to interact with foreigners in their new apartments for safety concerns.
However
, a lot of advantages were possibly gathered in case we foster a warm thread with society around us. To exemplify, emergency assistance and new opportunities will be offered by them, if we nurture warm communication and vice versa. In my point of view, society has to initiate regular gathering events as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
threading media.
For instance
, sport competition in special moments, or cooking activities for the girl would draw attention from the residential inhabitants.
To sum up
, the simplicity of
Internet
Correct article usage
the Internet
show examples
 combined with a modern living area are the largest causes of private lifestyle. As social creatures, it is essential to maintain relationships with people in our vicinity . I reckon gathering activities
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 special occasions would be best as an interactive medium.
Submitted by epindonta02 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt and provides relevant examples, but you should expand on these examples further to provide a richer, more detailed response. This will strengthen your task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea. While your essay is mostly cohesive, better transitions between paragraphs can enhance the logical flow of your argument.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly outlines the topic and provides a strong basis for the essay.
supported main points
You present valid points with examples, particularly in discussing the impact of technology and modern living arrangements.
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