Many people have more jobs at the same time, so they dont have enough time for their family. To what extend do you agree this ?

In
this
day and age, in
order
to solve the financial burdens and
also
respond to the demands of each individual, more
inhabitants
decide to own more
jobs
at a particular
time
.
However
, more people argue that the trend creates a selfish environment
due to
the workers only spending
time
on tasks
instead
of family and hobbies. From my point of view, I believe the schedule of employees
also
should invest
time
in children and leisure activities in
order
to protect their health and family feelings. In
this
essay, I will present some valid points for
this
idea. In terms of the reason for that social phenomenon, more
inhabitants
today have to face issues from living standards
such
as demands of income or assets.
Therefore
, the labour and intelligence employees work full
time
in several
jobs
to solve those individuals’s aforementioned problems.
Additionally
, working hard in other missions
as well as
the key to accumulating money for investment in shares or allocation of property.
As a result
, more residents can handle the expenditures from daily life and luxurious items.
For instance
, Vietnamese poor people in contemporary society always own more than both
jobs
in
order
to spend on crucial groceries
such
as rice, meat and vegetables or the middle class is employed with only the reason of becoming owners of houses and apartments. Notwithstanding, that phenomenon can devise detrimental effects on themself and including of surrounding relationships. The workers who only share
time
for other tasks cannot construct love effectively for their children and wives because the competition for assets comprises major minds in their brains.
In addition
, overwork in the lack of advantageous conditions
such
as in coalmines, more
inhabitants
can own the highest opportunities to be victims of health problems
such
as lung cancers, issues of respiratory and cardiovascular diseases. The potential dangerous risk for major workers who have more
jobs
at present. In conclusion, in
order
to contribute to the protection of healthcare, relationships in the family and more than that financial income, more
inhabitants
have to devise a balance in life with a particular job and decline unnecessary spending.
Submitted by phamnhung275 on

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task achievement
Your essay adequately addresses the prompt, discussing the phenomenon where people hold multiple jobs and its impact on family time. However, to improve your Task Response score, you should develop your arguments in more detail and ensure they are tightly focused on answering the question.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, try to make clearer connections between your points and ensure each paragraph smoothly leads to the next. Using a variety of cohesive devices will strengthen the logical flow of your essay.
introduction conclusion present
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, making it easy for the reader to understand your main argument.
relevant specific examples
You provide relevant examples to support your points, such as the situation of Vietnamese workers, which adds credibility to your argument.
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