IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many people have more jobs at the same time, so they dont have enough time for their family. To what extend do you agree this ?

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In
this
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 day and age, in
order
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 to solve the financial burdens and
also
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 respond to the demands of each individual, more
inhabitants
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 decide to own more
jobs
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 at a particular
time
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.
However
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, more people argue that the trend creates a selfish environment
due to
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 the workers only spending
time
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 on tasks
instead
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 of family and hobbies. From my point of view, I believe the schedule of employees
also
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 should invest
time
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 in children and leisure activities in
order
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 to protect their health and family feelings. In
this
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 essay, I will present some valid points for
this
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 idea. In terms of the reason for that social phenomenon, more
inhabitants
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 today have to face issues from living standards
such
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 as demands of income or assets.
Therefore
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, the labour and intelligence employees work full
time
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 in several
jobs
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 to solve those individuals’s aforementioned problems.
Additionally
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, working hard in other missions
as well as
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 the key to accumulating money for investment in shares or allocation of property.
As a result
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, more residents can handle the expenditures from daily life and luxurious items.
For instance
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, Vietnamese poor people in contemporary society always own more than both
jobs
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 in
order
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 to spend on crucial groceries
such
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 as rice, meat and vegetables or the middle class is employed with only the reason of becoming owners of houses and apartments. Notwithstanding, that phenomenon can devise detrimental effects on themself and including of surrounding relationships. The workers who only share
time
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 for other tasks cannot construct love effectively for their children and wives because the competition for assets comprises major minds in their brains.
In addition
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, overwork in the lack of advantageous conditions
such
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 as in coalmines, more
inhabitants
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 can own the highest opportunities to be victims of health problems
such
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 as lung cancers, issues of respiratory and cardiovascular diseases. The potential dangerous risk for major workers who have more
jobs
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 at present. In conclusion, in
order
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 to contribute to the protection of healthcare, relationships in the family and more than that financial income, more
inhabitants
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 have to devise a balance in life with a particular job and decline unnecessary spending.

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task achievement
Your essay adequately addresses the prompt, discussing the phenomenon where people hold multiple jobs and its impact on family time. However, to improve your Task Response score, you should develop your arguments in more detail and ensure they are tightly focused on answering the question.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, try to make clearer connections between your points and ensure each paragraph smoothly leads to the next. Using a variety of cohesive devices will strengthen the logical flow of your essay.
introduction conclusion present
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, making it easy for the reader to understand your main argument.
relevant specific examples
You provide relevant examples to support your points, such as the situation of Vietnamese workers, which adds credibility to your argument.
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