IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people think that painting and music do not directly improve the quality of people. Therefore, government should not spend too much money on artistic projects. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #music #quality #government #money #projects
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Nowadays, many
people
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 in the community argue that painting or listening to
music
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 does not improve their quality of life properly.
Hence
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,
government
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 should not use too much money on these projects. I totally agree and disagree at the same time.
To begin
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 with, some
people
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 think that painting is a waste of time activities and
people
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 must buy a device to listen to
music
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first,
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hence
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, it can decrease their funds that are not necessary.
Furthermore
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, the
government
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 should participate in reducing the finances
that
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is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 spent on art to use more on hospitals
such
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 as buying technology for medical care to improve the quality of patients.
For example
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, during the COVID-19 pandemic, it can be seen that every hospital in the world is not effective enough to solve
this
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 crisis and it takes a long time to develop vaccines.
In addition
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, the
government
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 should pay attention to their citizen's health care more than sculptures.
On the other hand
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, in the modern world, we have more and more
people
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 that interested in art, and that can give them the power to create incredible paintings, most
people
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 now listen to
music
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 for entertainment and have a better mood during the day.
For instance
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, I prefer to hear the
music
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 on the albums sung by Fuji Kaze in the morning before going to school.
Moreover
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, the
government
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 should preserve the paintings that were important to the history of the world.
Consequently
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, they should spend more money on protection and maintenance. In conclusion, it depends on a person how necessary the painting and
music
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 they think.
Finally
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, the
government
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 should prioritize what comes first.
Submitted by napatnp18065322 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced perspective. However, the points in support of your disagreement are not as well-developed as those in support of your agreement. Consider providing more detailed examples and explanations for both viewpoints.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph flows logically from one to the next. Some transitions could be smoother for better cohesion. Linking words and phrases would help in achieving this.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly states your position, setting up your balanced view well. This is a strong start to the essay.
introduction conclusion present
Your conclusion succinctly summarizes your argument, reinforcing the idea that the importance of art and music depends on individual perspectives.
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