IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that when deciding how taxpayers' money is spent, governments should prioritise health care, while others believe that there are other priorities to spend this money.Discuss both views and give your own opinion

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Some individuals say governments should spend the
budget
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 on the
health
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 sector rather than other departments,
while
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 some argue that there are other important parts.
However
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,I have a balanced opinion regarding
this
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 issue, which a combination of the essential fundamentals of people's living standards is the best way forward. Many people believe that spending the government's
budget
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 on
health
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 section should always be one of the crucial strategies for taking
care
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 of human beings. First of all, being healthy could significantly contribute to other vital parts ,consisting of education, employment, and economics.
Thus
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, good performance at work might be caused by great fundamentals including being proactive.
Moreover
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, good taking
care
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 of
health
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 can considerably alleviate other anxiety caused by outside factors
such
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 as study or work. The healthier individuals are, the more students can pay attention to lessons. After that,the outcome might be revealed as better educational performance
at the end
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 of the period. There is
also
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 a debate that the governments should spend the
budget
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 on other sectors excluding
health
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care
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. Good quality of life and society of the public might not be caused by only focusing on the
health
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 sector but should
also
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 be aware of education,employment, economics,politics and public transportation.
For instance
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,the relevant organizations should build a great infrastructure of public transport,
such
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 as trains and buses, to facilitate the public's commuting lifestyles.
Furthermore
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,In Sydney, the government has just launched the metro train in the mid of August 2024 as another route of transport heading from the central city to a number of nearby suburban areas.
Additionally
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, the new technology advancement of the public vehicle can reduce the time of commuting by the metro train from Chatwood to Central, with time usage from 25 minutes to 15 minutes.
This
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also
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 precedentedly occurred in
this
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 city compared to the
last
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 decade.
To conclude
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, some believe that spending from taxpayers'
budget
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 should prioritise the
health
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 industry,
whereas
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 others think should spend money on other important parts. In my opinion,taking
care
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 of people's
health
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 and other fundamentals,namely education, economics, and employment, should be settled as a normal standard of individuals' living quality in tandem.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between ideas and paragraphs to improve overall flow.
coherence cohesion
Occasionally, ideas are a bit disjointed; try to stay focused on the main argument.
task achievement
Avoid overloading sentences with multiple clauses; simpler sentences can improve readability.
task achievement
Provide specific examples more frequently to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced discussion of both views, reflecting strong task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present and clearly framed, enhancing coherence.
task achievement
The essay uses relevant examples, such as the metro train project in Sydney, to support arguments.
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