IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

somebelieve it is better ti have children on daycares but other believe that it is good to children at home. discuss both views

Children
Use synonyms
 are a valuable asset to their
parents
Use synonyms
; their existence can bring
fulfillment
Change the spelling
fulfilment
show examples
 to their
parents
Use synonyms
' lives, and they become the source of happiness for them.
However
Linking Words
, some people believe it is better to entrust their offspring to
daycare
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others believe raising kids directly at home is important.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both viewpoints and present the potential advantages and disadvantages of
this
Linking Words
 issue from multiple perspectives. First of all, entrusting our
children
Use synonyms
 to a
daycare
Use synonyms
 caregiver has several benefits for busy
parents
Use synonyms
. If their
parents
Use synonyms
 are working,
daycare
Use synonyms
 can help them ensure their
children
Use synonyms
 have a good day.
For example
Linking Words
, with the assistance of a caregiver, a child can receive adequate attention and love
while
Linking Words
 their
parents
Use synonyms
 are not present.
Additionally
Linking Words
, in
daycare
Use synonyms
,
children
Use synonyms
 will receive supplementary education to enhance their communication and social skills in advance.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
daycare
Use synonyms
 in Indonesia provides foreign caregivers to teach some foreign languages to
children
Use synonyms
, creating multilingual
children
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 who raise their
children
Use synonyms
 at home will gain several advantages. Both
parents
Use synonyms
 and
children
Use synonyms
 will have a better connection and happiness.
For instance
Linking Words
, based on research,
children
Use synonyms
 who are raised by their
parents
Use synonyms
 directly tend to have higher Intelligence and be more successful in their education. In conclusion, entrusting
children
Use synonyms
 to
daycare
Use synonyms
 has several benefits that improve their knowledge, as daycares employ professionals who can teach a wide range of educational subjects.
In contrast
Linking Words
, self-raised
children
Use synonyms
 will build their psychological aspects and Intelligence. It depends on the parent conditions; if both of their
parents
Use synonyms
 are working, using a
daycare
Use synonyms
 is beneficial.
However
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 their
parents
Use synonyms
 have enough time to connect with their
children
Use synonyms
, self-raising will
also
Linking Words
 be beneficial.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task response
Make your view clear in the first paragraph and keep it steady to the end.
Coherence
Start each body with a clear topic sentence that tells the main idea of the paragraph.
Coherence
Use simpler link words and short sentences to help flow.
Content
Give real facts or simple examples for points, not only general claims.
Language
Check spelling and word form (like large capital 'Intelligence') and smooth out phrases about education and language.
Structure
Clear plan with introduction, body, and conclusion.
Content balance
Attempts to show both sides and give examples.
Coherence
Some linking words show flow between ideas.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: