IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Advertising discourages people from being different individuals by making us all want to do the same and look the same. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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With society's rapid development,
advertisements
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 have become more varied than before. Advertising influences modern
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people
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’s thinking and how they define it. Some believe that
advertisements
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 tend to put
people
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 on the same page, but others don’t. I agree with the former, and I will elaborate
the
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on the
show examples
 detail in
this
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 essay. First and foremost, the primary reason is that
advertisements
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 always advocate a specific aesthetic. To be more specific, the adman is prone to promoting products and services that have/equip/possess high economic value based on considerable profit, leading
people
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 to buy the same goods and services the
advertiser
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 provides.
For instance
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, jeans were a typical outfit for local American farmers working on the farm.
However
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, after being packaged by the commercials, jeans became one of the trends in the world and sold at high prices.
As a result
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, the advertisement allows
people
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 to have a convergence of opinion
due to
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 the capital operation. Another reason is that
advertisements
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 look so similar that it is difficult to distinguish them. To be more detailed, current
advertisements
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 use the same models and patterns.
Moreover
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, they imitate high-reach works to attract/appeal consumers' eyeballs/focus/attention.
This
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 approach causes
people
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 to watch and see/browse the same content, which disturbs
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people
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’s thinking process.
For example
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, short
videos
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 influence
people
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 abundantly. Creators use some ways to attract
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people
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’s attention,
such
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 as using the same music, filming techniques, and brainwashing content. In the
advertiser
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’s aspect, high-reach
videos
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 or works can bring more profit to them.
Consequently
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, social
media
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 traffic and
advertiser
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 induction lead to undifferentiated
advertisements
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.
For example
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, short
videos
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 are continually exposed, causing
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people
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’s brains to have delayed reactions and be easily brainwashed. Potential consumers imitate and replicate the values by osmosis derived from the visual impact of long-term short
videos
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.
Consequently
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, social
media
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 traffic and
advertiser
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 induction lead to undifferentiated
advertisements
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.
To conclude
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, I reaffirmed that
advertisements
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 lead
people
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 to be the same individuals with no distinctive differences. Modern beauty standards and social
media
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 influence
people
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 to accept their desired content.
Moreover
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,
along with
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advertiser
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 propaganda, the balance line becomes more blurred.
Hence
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, it is undeniable that
media
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 literacy is essential to
people
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 and should be emphasized.

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General
Some sentences are awkwardly phrased and can be simplified for better readability. For example, instead of saying 'advertisements tend to put people on the same page,' you could say 'advertisements tend to make people similar.'
Task Response
You have repetitive ideas in the concluding paragraph. Try to avoid redundancy and ensure each sentence adds new information or reinforces your argument uniquely.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to avoid informal language such as 'eyeballs' and 'brainwashing.' Opt for more formal terms like 'attention' and 'strong influence.'
Task Response
The essay provides relevant, specific examples to support the argument, such as the discussion about jeans and short videos. This strengthens the task response and demonstrates a good understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
The main points are logically structured, and there is a clear progression of ideas throughout the essay.
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