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Band 7

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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It is commonly known that developments in technology are not always good for us. Surely, surveillance cameras and cellphones make us feel more secure,
however
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, all these devices controlling us without consent can provoke some sense of discomfort, almost as if someone broke into our own private space.
Firstly
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, most of these methods of monitoring have plenty of pros.
For example
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, footage recorded by security cameras has been helping out busting a lot of criminals lately.
According to
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 data, published by police departments, those recordings were used in court to recognise almost 90% of criminals who robbed a bank in the
last
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 20 years!
Likewise
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, thanks to phone-tracking features a lot of mafia groups' members were localized and arrested by local authorities.
In contrast
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, these methods have cons,
thus
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 are always active, resulting in influencing
also
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 other citizens' lives rather than only
criminals'
Correct your spelling
criminals
show examples
. In fact, these tracking devices often get
along with
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 software used to advertise on social media platforms and websites.
For instance
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, in 2016 during
American
Correct article usage
the American
show examples
 presidential elections, Facebook used users' personal data and website cookies to make people vote for Trump
instead
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 of Clinton.
As a result
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,
this
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 interfered with a state's democracy and it's really scary! In conclusion, I believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages at the moment. I think that computers still don't have compromised our freedom indeed. But, if
this
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 happens in the future, it will be a problem to solve immediately.
This
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 can be avoided by being more mindful of electronic device usage and by voting for people who use them for our safety and not for their own good.

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task achievement
Try to provide a more balanced view by elaborating more on the disadvantages as well. This will show a deeper understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Ensure your arguments are well-supported with relevant, specific examples. This will make your essay more convincing and insightful.
coherence cohesion
Be cautious of some minor grammatical errors and try to vary your sentence structures to make your essay more engaging and clear.
coherence cohesion
Linking phrases could be used more effectively to guide the reader through your argument and improve the overall flow.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly states the topic and provides a good context for the discussion.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion satisfactorily summarizes your main points and provides a clear stance on the issue.
logical structure
Your main points are generally clear and logically structured, making your argument easy to follow.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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