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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

some people think that government should take measures regarding healthy lifestyle of individuals.others think it must be managed by individuals. discuss both views and provide your own opinion

#people #government #measures #lifestyle #individuals
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The debate over whether the state should be responsible for the
health
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 of citizens or if
individuals
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 should maintain a healthy lifestyle remains contentious. Some argue that the government plays a crucial role in promoting healthy habits by building infrastructure,
while
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 others believe that
individuals
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 should take personal responsibility for their well-being through a balanced
diet
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 and regular exercise.
This
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 essay will examine both viewpoints and offer a personal perspective. On the one hand, some argue that policymakers should invest in sports facilities that allow
people
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 from all socioeconomic backgrounds to exercise freely.
For instance
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, the city council of Astana constructed open-air gyms, enabling
people
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 to work out regularly and burn extra calories without any cost.
Furthermore
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, the government should allocate funds to encourage youth participation in sports events,
such
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 as football tournaments, which can motivate them to adopt healthier lifestyles. These initiatives demonstrate how state action can positively influence public
health
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.
On the other hand
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, many believe that
individuals
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 themselves should take responsibility for their
health
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. They argue that
people
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 should prioritize a balanced
diet
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 that includes necessary nutrients
while
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 limiting the consumption of fast food.
It is clear that
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 a nutritious
diet
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 plays a more crucial role in maintaining
health
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 than the availability of infrastructure.
Additionally
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,
people
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 must learn to manage stress, a significant factor affecting mental well-being.
Therefore
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, it is evident that
individuals
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 should make greater efforts to safeguard their own physical and mental
health
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.
To sum up
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,
while
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 government actions are important for ensuring citizens'
overall
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 well-being, I firmly believe that
individuals
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 themselves should be more responsible for their
health
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. A balanced
diet
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 and stress management are key factors in achieving wellness, making personal responsibility crucial to long-term
health
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by pandatvin3 on

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introduction improvement
Your introduction is clear and establishes the context for discussion, but you might consider sharpening the thesis statement to make it more assertive.
cohesion improvement
Some paragraphs could benefit from more transitional phrases or sentences to enhance the flow between ideas.
task response
The essay provides a balanced discussion of both viewpoints, demonstrating clear understanding.
example usage
Use of relevant examples, such as the Astana open-air gym, strengthens your argument effectively.
conclusion strength
The conclusion succinctly restates your opinion and ties the discussion together well.
logical structure strength
Logical structure is maintained throughout, making the essay easy to read and follow.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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